Bet on yourself this time

Have you ever felt the urge to leave everything and run?

Has your skin ever craved to hold someone so close that they never get away?

How many nights have you cried yourself to sleep? Thinking of your bleak past, thinking of the present you are not in his arms, and the uncertain future?

Have you spent majority of your life longing for a person/ persons? Mourning?

How many times have you made someone the centre of your life? And how many times have they left?

Have you stalked someone so bad that you know what they've done even if you've blocked all contact with them? And then follows the urge to cry, doesnt it?  Cuz its only you who is unhappy, you who is still guarded.

Have you been crushed with disappointment, jealousy and an unshakeable feeling of having failed everyone you know?

Have you pictured your life with someone? Doing things you never thought even possible in your life? Because it doesn't resonate with your image of your future, not that it ever will happen.

How many times have you let your guard down. Trust someone enough to tell them about your demons. And how many times have they left you alone with your demons?

How many times a day do you fight the urge to burst out into uncontrollable tears? And how many times do you?

Is this what love is? Really? No. It can never be. Why are you holding on to something so toxic? Why are you letting it control your present?

How many chances have you given this person/ People? How many times have you realised that your happiness is somehow tied to one person? How many times have you realised a few days later that what you feel for others will never be what they feel for you?

Why do you give other people chances when the only thing you should bet upon is you?

In the words of J D Salinger you can't be running back and forth forever between grief and high delight. Will you now start living for yourself?

WWYD?

What would you do if you had only 20 mins to live?

Sleep?

Finalise your will?

Write down your passwords to important things somewhere? Delete all those unsent letters, unpublished posts that show how desperately you thought you need a particular person in your life, just because you think you wronged that person?

Write a letter to everyone who you want to inform you care? Or write a letter to everyone you have failed?

Go to the bank and encash all your money, lie it over your bed and die on it?

Spend your time with the people who make you happy? What if those people dont think the same of you? Shouldn't you rather spend it with someone who will actually mourn your going?

Would you inform your family and friends that you are leaving this world in 20? Or would you keep it a surprise for them? 

Would you cry for 20 minutes straight? But why? What are you scared of? Dying? Isn't living what's uncertain?

Or live looking at the clock till it reaches 20?

Or would you rather do it yourself?  Hanging from the ceiling involves a few minutes of thrashing around, so no, poison is messy and not very reliable, docs can always flush out your stomach, a bullet to your pallete. Yes. Straight and fast. Although very messy for others to clean up. And you would end up scarring people. It's straight and fast.

20 minutes is too soon right? Too short to do anything concrete, and too long to wait for death. Does it mean you are content with life? Who am I kidding? Is anyone content with their lives? 

Will you let go of all your baggage? Will you let go of the weight of the world on your shoulder? Will you finally live free for your 20 minute life?

What would you do?

There's no love here

You never loved her,you only knew a version of her she never let anyone else see,
But that is buried deep under her anxiety.

You never loved her, because you never stayed, even though you promised to,
She doesnt know where she is anymore, lost forever in some parallel world.

You never loved her, only talked to her, day in day out, cuz she listened, she cared,
Words only fall on her ears now, she no longer feels any care.

You never loved her, how could you have ever, Have you seen her?
She never was your type, you never could be hers.

You never loved her, You only wanted someone to comfort you,
And she did, tried her best with words, the only thing she knew best.

You never loved her, she was just a joke, a silly thing never supposed to happen,
But it did, the words were said. Her heart has been in turmoil ever since.

You never loved her, She was never hurt by that,
She was hurt because one day she ceased to be a part of your life.

She never loved you either, she was just her usual self, nursing old wounds, 

keeping her walls up, dare anyone see the emotional mess she is.

She never loved you either, only loved the person she became around you,
Carefree, light, devoid of every worry.

She never loved you either, She made you her all, everything else just died in her,
her heart jumping with joy whenever you thought of her.

She never loved you either, she just made you the person she told everything about,
And you made sure you asked the things she never said.

She never loved you either, she replaced her dreams with you,
and now you've replaced her sleepless nights with tears.

She never loved you either, she just dint want to be alone,
she laughs now at that thought when her demons come at her every night.

She never loved you either, cuz love is not meant to hurt, love is not meant to wait,
love was not meant for her, only the longing and the hate.

She never loved you either, because you never loved her.