A Glimpse

Unfinished sentences, Untold whispers

That's all that's left of the pieces now,
Boundaries set, Hearts desires buried deep,
Is it not the end you wanted to allow?

Chance upon chance I give you,
Go on, break down my walls and find me,
But is it uncertainty that leaves you at my door?
Or was I a fool to think you were ever knocking.

You held my heart in your palm once,
Now you just pretend to be a stranger,
Will you ever even know the power you have over me?
Always waiting for a word, wrapped around your little finger.

Your presence still calms my heart,
Your voice melts my every reason, will you ever learn.
No self-respect you must think, what is she?
A pathetic doormat, no more your concern.

Everyone begs me to forget,
Leave, they all tell me nothing new,
You gave me moments of delirious happiness,
and all the pieces of my heart you cut into

All I still want to do is hug your pain away,
When I know your heart hurts.
It’s so obvious to everyone else,
You being oblivious makes it even worse.

I'm afraid love, that I'll end up eternally waiting,
on this side of the door, gasping for air, 
For that unspoken word, a sign that you still care, 
losing the little I have of you again, that I can not bear.

Every cell in my body longs for you, I want you,
I need you close, whatever little way,
Maybe, as you say, We were never fated,
But please, please stay?

Hold me close, just this once, once more, 

This love is like a fever, always longing, 

For a moment make this ache in my heart stop, 

Then I can go back to my miserable life of wanting.

But, everything you do, everything you don't say,
speaks more than words ever will, yes, I must obey,
I don't know if it is my place any longer, 

You never will say, so I will keep away.

I can't ever hate you, how can I?
You are not even mine to miss anymore,
I will not ask again, I felt loved,
A glimpse, more than what most people wait a lifetime for.

An Amalgam of Belief

I took a holiday. 10 days in the mountains, 10 days of perfect bliss, a road trip (too) many people took this year, across some 600 odd kms of winding roads and head spinning altitudes, where every moment you look out of the vehicle window was a revelation, Majestic mountains, sunsets, sunrises, lakes, deserts, temples, glaciers, freezing temperatures, snow capped peaks, tobogganing and the list goes on. Even the sky seems more beautiful somehow, mostly clear, always blue, compared to the drab grey it is here back home.

But this post is not about the drab in the city and the beauty in the mountains. Its about belief. In that span of 10 days and 600 kms, there was a stark difference in the religious beliefs followed by people. We went from an Islamic state to a Buddhist region in an Islamic state. But what does religion matter to a traveler?  (for a tourist only selfies matter) How does religion matter to anyone, other than the people up top who try to classify (divide would be too british ka jamana). After all, we are just a bunch of crazies, wanting to live life a little out of the ordinary sometimes. 

It's always about belief. Our Driver stopped at the beginning of the journey to put a coin in a shrine of sorts. Most of our mornings began with songs played in the car that could only be a quasi prayer. Once we reached the Buddhist region, the songs changed to an actual prayer. India must be the only country where in that span of 600 kms I visited a temple, a Gurudwara, countless Buddhist monasteries and the journey starts with a small token at a Muslim shrine.

Where else will u find a Gurudwara at the end of the world, an abandoned town among the sand and salt pans of Kutch called Lakhpat, Where else will you find a not so well known Japanese Temple in the middle of a busy city (outside of japan), a humongously famous Hindu temple granting wishes and an even more humongously famous mosque all in a 20 min driving distance.(13 without traffic. Source maps, yes we mumbaikars talk distance in terms of time) (Also, Gurudwara's have such reach! One in the mountains of Leh, One in an abandoned town from where your guide points out to the Pakistan border)  I'm glad they (co)exist, I love the peace once you enter there, if it's even possible to find more peace than in an abandoned town. I love the peace when you enter any place of worship. No one cares, there is free entry for everyone at each place. An amalgam of belief. A hopefulness in faith. 

What I absolutely don't understand is offerings. They seem meaningless in excess. They seem meaningless even in moderation. When homeless beggars search for one mouthful of a meal to fill their empty since days stomach,  it costs 4000 bucks to clothe 10 stone idols in new clothes in a temple, a mere 5 mins away. assuming them beggars are not trying to make a business out of it. How do you rate need in this case. Do the gods need new flashy sequined silk stitched to absolute perfection? Will the gods feel bad if their clothes are not the newest selection of silk and velvet ? Would you rate clothes on God more important than clothes on a person can't afford to cover themselves ? Will this said person rate a mouthful of food more important than the tattered clothes they wear? Will God be upset if you don't offer them those flowers, which last a day, or those annual cheques which give you 80 G tax benefit? 

Life is funny. Will I do anything about this? Maybe not as much I would like to. But maybe giving a frail old lady at the traffic signal food you have is definitely a start. Maybe that's how the new peace at any place of worship ought to be found. Maybe our belief should now be humanity instead. When we were at the Gurudwara at Lakhpat, we were offered a simple meal, the first langar I have ever been to. It was late and very off lunch time, you tend to under estimate time when you travel, and we joked about how the pampered bitch me may not even know to wash the plate and glass we ate in, and left after one of the most soul filling meals I've ever had. It was only 2 years later that someone told me the people at the Gurudwara went hungry that day. To feed us hungry travelers. 

Maybe going hungry like this once in a while is a good thing. 

On the Edge

Where are you going my child, tread gingerly now,
You know the cliff ends in just a step.
Don't take this plunge into the strange, I won't allow,
Your heart has been through enough unrest.

There is no reason to linger anymore, there never was,
You know that from the moment he stopped trying.
Only sit and watch as his attention quietly fades, that's your curse,
You know that you cant do anything to save You again, so stop being naive.

Yes, you want to spend the rest of your life by his side,
but you say he deserves much more, So why are you persisting?
You know that these little moments of delirious happiness are only fleeting,
Yes, letting go is the only option now, why are you expecting?

So step away from the edge my child, Walk back to me now.
I know you miss him, you shouldn't have to even when he's around.
Yes its difficult for you to last without him, But we'll find a way someday, somehow
Don't be silly, Leave him be. Come back to me, I wont let you down.

The Box

There is a box I keep at the edge of my bed,
worn with use, I've colored it red.
not blood, but a more muted rust & lead,
I fill it with all the things I've never said.

I fill it with those thoughts that should never be,
I fill it with my dreams that light should never see,
I fill it with all the could have been's, all those who leave,
I fill it with your fading love, all the times I couldn't grieve.

It sits there quietly, never says a thing,
Never a murmur of how fast it fills, not a ring,
It only listens and takes it all in,
Only looks with compassionate silence as mine sings.

Just that one day in many it starts to overflow,

and streams down my face as tears start to flow,
It can do nothing to stop them as can I, though,
Just wait patiently till the mourning lets go.

And to this box I will add you too,my sweet,
What I planned my life around, made replete.
It is destiny maybe that my star's four points will never meet.
On the days the box overflows, for you too I will go down that street.

Bet on yourself this time

Have you ever felt the urge to leave everything and run?

Has your skin ever craved to hold someone so close that they never get away?

How many nights have you cried yourself to sleep? Thinking of your bleak past, thinking of the present you are not in his arms, and the uncertain future?

Have you spent majority of your life longing for a person/ persons? Mourning?

How many times have you made someone the centre of your life? And how many times have they left?

Have you stalked someone so bad that you know what they've done even if you've blocked all contact with them? And then follows the urge to cry, doesnt it?  Cuz its only you who is unhappy, you who is still guarded.

Have you been crushed with disappointment, jealousy and an unshakeable feeling of having failed everyone you know?

Have you pictured your life with someone? Doing things you never thought even possible in your life? Because it doesn't resonate with your image of your future, not that it ever will happen.

How many times have you let your guard down. Trust someone enough to tell them about your demons. And how many times have they left you alone with your demons?

How many times a day do you fight the urge to burst out into uncontrollable tears? And how many times do you?

Is this what love is? Really? No. It can never be. Why are you holding on to something so toxic? Why are you letting it control your present?

How many chances have you given this person/ People? How many times have you realised that your happiness is somehow tied to one person? How many times have you realised a few days later that what you feel for others will never be what they feel for you?

Why do you give other people chances when the only thing you should bet upon is you?

In the words of J D Salinger you can't be running back and forth forever between grief and high delight. Will you now start living for yourself?

WWYD?

What would you do if you had only 20 mins to live?

Sleep?

Finalise your will?

Write down your passwords to important things somewhere? Delete all those unsent letters, unpublished posts that show how desperately you thought you need a particular person in your life, just because you think you wronged that person?

Write a letter to everyone who you want to inform you care? Or write a letter to everyone you have failed?

Go to the bank and encash all your money, lie it over your bed and die on it?

Spend your time with the people who make you happy? What if those people dont think the same of you? Shouldn't you rather spend it with someone who will actually mourn your going?

Would you inform your family and friends that you are leaving this world in 20? Or would you keep it a surprise for them? 

Would you cry for 20 minutes straight? But why? What are you scared of? Dying? Isn't living what's uncertain?

Or live looking at the clock till it reaches 20?

Or would you rather do it yourself?  Hanging from the ceiling involves a few minutes of thrashing around, so no, poison is messy and not very reliable, docs can always flush out your stomach, a bullet to your pallete. Yes. Straight and fast. Although very messy for others to clean up. And you would end up scarring people. It's straight and fast.

20 minutes is too soon right? Too short to do anything concrete, and too long to wait for death. Does it mean you are content with life? Who am I kidding? Is anyone content with their lives? 

Will you let go of all your baggage? Will you let go of the weight of the world on your shoulder? Will you finally live free for your 20 minute life?

What would you do?

There's no love here

You never loved her,you only knew a version of her she never let anyone else see,
But that is buried deep under her anxiety.

You never loved her, because you never stayed, even though you promised to,
She doesnt know where she is anymore, lost forever in some parallel world.

You never loved her, only talked to her, day in day out, cuz she listened, she cared,
Words only fall on her ears now, she no longer feels any care.

You never loved her, how could you have ever, Have you seen her?
She never was your type, you never could be hers.

You never loved her, You only wanted someone to comfort you,
And she did, tried her best with words, the only thing she knew best.

You never loved her, she was just a joke, a silly thing never supposed to happen,
But it did, the words were said. Her heart has been in turmoil ever since.

You never loved her, She was never hurt by that,
She was hurt because one day she ceased to be a part of your life.

She never loved you either, she was just her usual self, nursing old wounds, 

keeping her walls up, dare anyone see the emotional mess she is.

She never loved you either, only loved the person she became around you,
Carefree, light, devoid of every worry.

She never loved you either, She made you her all, everything else just died in her,
her heart jumping with joy whenever you thought of her.

She never loved you either, she just made you the person she told everything about,
And you made sure you asked the things she never said.

She never loved you either, she replaced her dreams with you,
and now you've replaced her sleepless nights with tears.

She never loved you either, she just dint want to be alone,
she laughs now at that thought when her demons come at her every night.

She never loved you either, cuz love is not meant to hurt, love is not meant to wait,
love was not meant for her, only the longing and the hate.

She never loved you either, because you never loved her.

When?

When did I become so sad?
Always holding back tears.
When did this anxiety become so bad?
It cuts through me like shears,
When did I let one person hold the reins to my happiness?
I've gone too far in this time, I fear.
Will I grow old in this sappy-ness?
That would be a pity, one more year?

When did you turn into my addiction?
All others pale in comparison.
When did I leave my life to this dereliction?
Will there ever be a change in this season?
Why is this missing so terrible?
so much so that I lose all reason.

What did I do wrong this time?
When will this ravaged heart ever stop loving you?

For you it may just be a call, a simple text,
for me, this waiting is now life,
You cared for me, Was it again pretence?
I hate this strife,
When did I become this nobody?
Am I really that naïve?

When did I let my demons get the better of me?
Every night they come at me with knives.

The Quagmire

Everyone I ask says no,

everyone, they say it's a mistake.

But I can hardly wait to hear you again

They say I won't be able to hold back,

They say I'll get hurt all over again,

Will it really end for us this way, with all this pain?

They say you could have tried,

They say you didn't get involved,

Why do you want to raise the dead?

If you ever wanted you would,

If you ever needed you could,

but you never did. And too many tears I have shed.

I wondered too at times,

They say people prioritize, 

But you have always been my choice.

I'll keep you at arms length I reply,

Disapointment meets me every night, 

When every minute I hold myself back from making the call, hearing your voice.

Dont they see how I gravitate towards you in a crowd?

So hard it is to be around you as a stranger?

Dont they see the sadness in my eyes cloud? 

How happy I was when you were around, remember?

But, The thing is you've gone so far ahead 

without me and I?

I'm still here. From a lost fire, the embers.

You may say you'll always be there when I need you, 

When will you ever understand?

Im so starved for you, I always will, I need you to need me too.

What will happen to us I dont know,

I only hope this never recurs, I only hope I can make amends,

I can't handle the grudge, the hate. This longing, it never really ends.

Ethereally brilliant

Ethereal is defined as heavenly, celestial, extremely delicate or refined. Unearthly even. But what of its origin? Does everyone wonder about the origin of words or is it just me?

Anywho, apparently ethereal originates from Greek. The word aithēr, meaning pure air. Aether theories talks about a space filling field, a medium, substance. Newton says "Doth not this aethereal medium in passing out of water, glass, crystal, and other compact and dense bodies in empty spaces, grow denser and denser by degrees, and by that means refract the rays of light not in a point, but by bending them gradually in curve lines? ...Is not this medium much rarer within the dense bodies of the Sun, stars, planets and comets, than in the empty celestial space between them? And in passing from them to great distances, doth it not grow denser and denser perpetually, and thereby cause the gravity of those great bodies towards one another, and of their parts towards the bodies; every body endeavouring to go from the denser parts of the medium towards the rarer?"

I'm sure he meant scientific stuff only. But it's so poetic. I'd like to believe this theory still exists. And this medium, this substance is the bond between either two people or his own higher self.

So those moments you just cant capture on camera when you travel? This is that reaching towards higher self that I'm talking about. Some of these dont even have words to describe the feeling. Other than feeling blessed that you could experience these tiny miracles (ethereal is the word, I know)

So I try to describe them, before I forget completely, hopefully you see them as I do in my mind palace. :P and yes. I've seen all of these.

Like the numerous rainbows you see, cuz no phone camera or DSLR can ever do it justice.  (3 I've seen that I can never forget, one when travelling alongside the rainbow in a train, the full rainbow over the setting sun at the rann of Kutch, and a double one in the clouds below as my flight flew to Mumbai). #feelingBlessed.

Like the fully grown peacock sitting gracefully on a boundary wall of a house alongside the train tracks when your train passes by between Delhi and Agra. #Magnifico.

Like the wind making sand dance like snakes on the road when the vehicle ahead of you is going on full speed. #Fascinating.

Like the sense of belonging when you see a signboard that says you are travelling on a road built by the company you audit. #Pride.

Like the random container (actual ship container ) in the middle of a field in the arid state of rajasthan that says angreji sharaab idhar milegi, and that being the only thing for miles. And a patient line of people outside it. #Incredible.

Or the taxi in front of you that has a poster of a bride in full glory and says tum kab aaogi. #ROFL for lack of a better word.

Or the tractor carrying a tanker of water, enriching the road cuz the tops not closed, while the driver enjoys London thumakda remix on impossibly high volume levels. #Hilarious.

The inumerable people you meet on the journey. Co passenger's, famous people, politicians who's names are never remembered, RBI chairmen, cricketers, all. #Nostalgic.

That random beautifully shaped tree in the middle of nowhere which houses chattering birds in numbers you cant even imagine. #Noisy yet peaceful at the same time.

Like two cows locking horns and fighting away next to the highway your car is flying away on. #National geographic.

Like the deer you notice in a random field, or deer you notice in the forest you are cutting through. #Grace.

Or the peacock in its full glory sitting on a electric post in between two trains travelling over a river. #Stunning.

Or the one tusk loner baby elephant you notice on the side of the road, that turns looks at you and charges. #Petrifying.

Or the 80 year old foreigner who looks very much like a hep version of your own grandmother dancing away with two rajasthani folk dancers. #Awww again for the lack of a better word.

Or the rajasthani puppet dance you see in the middle of aurangabaad. Thousands of kilometers away only to later find out the strings were held by your friend and then think no wonder the puppets were humping. #Fantastic.

The feeling when your flight is hovering over mumbai for 45 minutes waiting for clearance and you see another flight also hovering helplessly across the distance. And then finally see the city. Lights traffic et all. #Home at last.

Or the feeling when you are in the wrong place along the platform. And your train arrives, it will leave in 2 mins and you know you are going to miss it. And you enter a compartment where vestibules on both ends are locked. And wait till it reaches the next stop one hour away when the only entertainment you have is wondering what WMA means written on the side of the fan and light switches ( window, middle, aisle in case anyones curious). #Enlightening.

That feeling of regret when you realise you shouldn't have trusted your friends and booked a sleeper class ticket for a night train, when you always knew they are gonna cancel. And you find Co passenger's who check out your jewellery and or sleep on the floor of the train cuz they are travelling ticketless. #Rueful.

That feeling when you realise that most of these moments are something you want to share with the one person who has long gone from your life. And that one moment opens the floodgate of emotions you thought were locked away forever. #Saudade.

After all Strip us off ego, family, money, future worries and what are we, ethereal beings who crave attention and affection. Success too, up to an extent but basically affection.

Have you ever wondered why I never say goodbye?

You don't ask, I don't say,
Wordless whispers hit a barrier of hate,
The things that bind us now begin to break.

All I ever wanted was to know, was all of it just a show?

The little things we talked about, is it all still the same? Won't you let me know?
How much I need to tell you, how much I crave to ask,
This separation is driving me insane, Is she really everything I'm not? Everything I don't hide behind a mask?

Yes I overthink, Yes I'm eternally jealous, what could have been mine but isn't,
What should stop affecting me, but doesn't.
Yours is always the first thought that crosses my mind. And even after all these years the last.
Estranged Friends too strong a word isn't it? What were we, what are we, I still fail to grasp.

Every night I remember your hands in mine, and every moment still for you I pine.

If only you would call once, it's been so long since I've heard your stupid voice,
My brain turns to mush even now on hearing your name, But it's not always your choice.

What happened to us, where did I go wrong? Yes I'm always the one to blame.

Why do I still shatter beyond repair every time I see you? And pray you read my eyes instead, search for that dead flame?

You would ask why now, Why after all this time?
It's the only time that I got away from this self imposed cage.
You would say I insult you with my words, with my silence, You respect my decision and stay away, Will you ever perceive that it's the only thing keeping me from falling apart?
but you can never gauge.
You would say your presence doesn't matter, I can't even frame words into a sentence near you,
try doing that without being overwhelmed someday,
look what I've turned into.

They tell me to hate you, they tell me to stay away. But that's a task I have yet to learn,
They tell me to find someone new, how can I when all I seek is you? For you are all I yearn?

I only wish you well, and hope all the success and happiness in the world is yours,
How much longer do I endure? When will this pain be gone? I'm still looking for the cure.
Do you feel this way too? Or am I just the fool here? I don't even know what these words will imply,
Please find this someday, so that I can be at peace that you know the reason why I never say goodbye.

Countdown to Launch/ And we have lift off!

10 The years since I last saw you, The years to where I am finally happy

09 the number of times I've wanted to run back to you, and almost did (3-also the number of times I've lost all control in the past two years)

08 The number of months left for me to change my life.

07 The number of lives I have left if I were a cat.

06 The number of people I have killed in my head in as many ways as possible, so far

05 The people who I can trust, the people I have let in.

04 The could haves, the maybes, the heart wrenching one sided sob story's, the never would have worked out's

03 The number of 5 minute long morning cat fights that happen in a 20 min ride of a first class local on a Monday morning.

02 The too many of years of my life i spent mourning a loss that may not even have been one

01 The things that bind me to where I am, Where I will be

00 the number of fucks I now give