All the lost Words

Why is this so difficult, put words to what I feel.
Why do these words always feel unwanted, unnecessary, unimportant? 

Now that you are gone, Where do these unspoken words go?

With you it always was a different kind of intense
The venting, the ranting, the Me I never let anyone else see.
Until the day you stepped away, 
Why? Oh sorry I shall not ask, it's unwanted, unnecessary, unimportant? I understand.

That's the bane, everything is clear now, the unanswered calls, the priorities. I understand.
My heart will too, stop feeling the need to ask why, 
It's unattainable, I get it.

People change, they always do, they don't want to hear your nonsense anymore heart. 

No, you need to understand too, heart. It's unwanted, unnecessary, unimportant. Yes, you.

No they won't, that heartwrench behind that Hi you texted? Why would they know it's because you have no other door left to turn to, to try knocking at.
People change, they always do.

They will not get you anymore. Stop feeling. Endure in silence. Full of words you cannot say, shall not say anymore.

Unwanted, unnecessary, unimportant. Yes, you always will be.

Habits

A repetition of mental experience

You go home, drop your things off in the same place, always

Drop your keys off, where you will pick it up the next time you head out

You have a favorite chair, a favorite spot on the sofa, a favorite corner you read in, a favorite side of your bed

Is it really a favorite or is it just a habit? 

Does always taking the chair at the end of the dinner table mean you want a quick escape route?
I've always wondered if its because running away is so much on my mind  

Like the preferred washroom cubicle you always go to if it's available
Why is that, haha? The constant place you go to space out from work?

Like the reassurance of sleeping next to someone you trust 

Is it a habit or has your brain Pavlov-ed you into believing you need him around? 

or is it the just that you are tired of sleeping alone

Like the smell of his cologne on you when you go back to your empty bed 

You fall asleep smiling, fall asleep smelling him on you

Don't get too close, that hurts every-time you smell it after he's gone

Or the feeling of how perfectly your bodies fit when you hug

That hurts more, how the next one is just not the same, just not right

Of course, Hes going to leave too

My heart doesn't beat anyone's name anymore, it just beats out of habit

Does anyone matter anymore? Or is it just you the attention whore?

I know I can't stop you from leaving, but will I don't want you to go count for anything?

Sorry but you have become a habit

A regular tendency especially one that is hard to give up

Or preferred before all others of the same kind

A favorite?

Let it rain

It stifles me, this petrichor
the claustrophobia overpowering,
always filling my lungs with dread
of thunderstorms looming in the dark

You loved it, this petrichor
The smell of first rain, after all that dust,
The love of dust settling, after all that sweat
why is it so perfect? you'd always ask

I met you first in that first rain,
your presence so intoxicating, you took away all fear,
Your laughter always so contagious, I started loving it too
the feel of droplets running down your beaming face

A whirlwind, that's what this year has been,
your happiness, filling my life with light
I almost hoped this drizzle would last forever,
hoped it would be you sheltering me from the storm in the end

That overpowering smell is here,
seasons always have to leave us in the end,
Children laughing in the rain, the same puddles,
and I find myself buried, there's too much pain

Its first rain again, and I stand alone in the dark,
the feeling is back as I watch them play,
Rain-drops roll down my face, mixing with tears,
A hurricane brewing within my heart

Petrichor, it reminds me of the earth, of you,
Whenever it rains where you are, do you think of me too?

Stolen hugs are all that's left

Two seconds
Sometimes three
One at hello
One at goodbye
My skin touching yours
My trembling heart next to yours
Will you ever feel these sparks explode?
Don't your fingers ever want to explore more?
Won't you ever hold me longer?
Why doesn't your essence crave for me like mine does?
Don't my unspoken words say enough?
I wonder as you pull away
What if this time was the absolute last
Will this fleeting touch be enough for my lifetime?
My life will always remain a series of almost's
What if there's a someone else next time who won't let you
No, not more than these magical three seconds
Or you will realise

Fake

I'm a fake

I'll look you in the eye and be someone else,
Tell you things I picked up along the way
Those quirky conversations you laughed at?
I've heard them before,
I've used them before

Constant validation

I'm addicted to it
Does that hashtag make it worth more likes?
Are people amused by what I say?
Oh, look he's more popular
Her clothes or lack of them get more hearts
than my sunrise photo I froze in the cold for

Prisoners of appreciation

The window on your way back home, do you even look out?
It's the same all around,
People, in traffic,
Faces lit up with the soft blue screen glow
That knowing smile, that crick in their necks.
Learning from others what they need to be cool

Anything to not succumb to loneliness

It's the newest trend,
Pickup what's good, then they say be you
How do you do that when the real you is lost,
It's one thing to lie to yourself
it's another to believe it.
Are you lying about reality like me too?

A Glimpse

Unfinished sentences, Untold whispers

That's all that's left of the pieces now,
Boundaries set, Hearts desires buried deep,
Is it not the end you wanted to allow?

Chance upon chance I give you,
Go on, break down my walls and find me,
But is it uncertainty that leaves you at my door?
Or was I a fool to think you were ever knocking.

You held my heart in your palm once,
Now you just pretend to be a stranger,
Will you ever even know the power you have over me?
Always waiting for a word, wrapped around your little finger.

Your presence still calms my heart,
Your voice melts my every reason, will you ever learn.
No self-respect you must think, what is she?
A pathetic doormat, no more your concern.

Everyone begs me to forget,
Leave, they all tell me nothing new,
You gave me moments of delirious happiness,
and all the pieces of my heart you cut into

All I still want to do is hug your pain away,
When I know your heart hurts.
It’s so obvious to everyone else,
You being oblivious makes it even worse.

I'm afraid love, that I'll end up eternally waiting,
on this side of the door, gasping for air, 
For that unspoken word, a sign that you still care, 
losing the little I have of you again, that I can not bear.

Every cell in my body longs for you, I want you,
I need you close, whatever little way,
Maybe, as you say, We were never fated,
But please, please stay?

Hold me close, just this once, once more, 

This love is like a fever, always longing, 

For a moment make this ache in my heart stop, 

Then I can go back to my miserable life of wanting.

But, everything you do, everything you don't say,
speaks more than words ever will, yes, I must obey,
I don't know if it is my place any longer, 

You never will say, so I will keep away.

I can't ever hate you, how can I?
You are not even mine to miss anymore,
I will not ask again, I felt loved,
A glimpse, more than what most people wait a lifetime for.

An Amalgam of Belief

I took a holiday. 10 days in the mountains, 10 days of perfect bliss, a road trip (too) many people took this year, across some 600 odd kms of winding roads and head spinning altitudes, where every moment you look out of the vehicle window was a revelation, Majestic mountains, sunsets, sunrises, lakes, deserts, temples, glaciers, freezing temperatures, snow capped peaks, tobogganing and the list goes on. Even the sky seems more beautiful somehow, mostly clear, always blue, compared to the drab grey it is here back home.

But this post is not about the drab in the city and the beauty in the mountains. Its about belief. In that span of 10 days and 600 kms, there was a stark difference in the religious beliefs followed by people. We went from an Islamic state to a Buddhist region in an Islamic state. But what does religion matter to a traveler?  (for a tourist only selfies matter) How does religion matter to anyone, other than the people up top who try to classify (divide would be too british ka jamana). After all, we are just a bunch of crazies, wanting to live life a little out of the ordinary sometimes. 

It's always about belief. Our Driver stopped at the beginning of the journey to put a coin in a shrine of sorts. Most of our mornings began with songs played in the car that could only be a quasi prayer. Once we reached the Buddhist region, the songs changed to an actual prayer. India must be the only country where in that span of 600 kms I visited a temple, a Gurudwara, countless Buddhist monasteries and the journey starts with a small token at a Muslim shrine.

Where else will u find a Gurudwara at the end of the world, an abandoned town among the sand and salt pans of Kutch called Lakhpat, Where else will you find a not so well known Japanese Temple in the middle of a busy city (outside of japan), a humongously famous Hindu temple granting wishes and an even more humongously famous mosque all in a 20 min driving distance.(13 without traffic. Source maps, yes we mumbaikars talk distance in terms of time) (Also, Gurudwara's have such reach! One in the mountains of Leh, One in an abandoned town from where your guide points out to the Pakistan border)  I'm glad they (co)exist, I love the peace once you enter there, if it's even possible to find more peace than in an abandoned town. I love the peace when you enter any place of worship. No one cares, there is free entry for everyone at each place. An amalgam of belief. A hopefulness in faith. 

What I absolutely don't understand is offerings. They seem meaningless in excess. They seem meaningless even in moderation. When homeless beggars search for one mouthful of a meal to fill their empty since days stomach,  it costs 4000 bucks to clothe 10 stone idols in new clothes in a temple, a mere 5 mins away. assuming them beggars are not trying to make a business out of it. How do you rate need in this case. Do the gods need new flashy sequined silk stitched to absolute perfection? Will the gods feel bad if their clothes are not the newest selection of silk and velvet ? Would you rate clothes on God more important than clothes on a person can't afford to cover themselves ? Will this said person rate a mouthful of food more important than the tattered clothes they wear? Will God be upset if you don't offer them those flowers, which last a day, or those annual cheques which give you 80 G tax benefit? 

Life is funny. Will I do anything about this? Maybe not as much I would like to. But maybe giving a frail old lady at the traffic signal food you have is definitely a start. Maybe that's how the new peace at any place of worship ought to be found. Maybe our belief should now be humanity instead. When we were at the Gurudwara at Lakhpat, we were offered a simple meal, the first langar I have ever been to. It was late and very off lunch time, you tend to under estimate time when you travel, and we joked about how the pampered bitch me may not even know to wash the plate and glass we ate in, and left after one of the most soul filling meals I've ever had. It was only 2 years later that someone told me the people at the Gurudwara went hungry that day. To feed us hungry travelers. 

Maybe going hungry like this once in a while is a good thing. 

On the Edge

Where are you going my child, tread gingerly now,
You know the cliff ends in just a step.
Don't take this plunge into the strange, I won't allow,
Your heart has been through enough unrest.

There is no reason to linger anymore, there never was,
You know that from the moment he stopped trying.
Only sit and watch as his attention quietly fades, that's your curse,
You know that you cant do anything to save You again, so stop being naive.

Yes, you want to spend the rest of your life by his side,
but you say he deserves much more, So why are you persisting?
You know that these little moments of delirious happiness are only fleeting,
Yes, letting go is the only option now, why are you expecting?

So step away from the edge my child, Walk back to me now.
I know you miss him, you shouldn't have to even when he's around.
Yes its difficult for you to last without him, But we'll find a way someday, somehow
Don't be silly, Leave him be. Come back to me, I wont let you down.

The Box

There is a box I keep at the edge of my bed,
worn with use, I've colored it red.
not blood, but a more muted rust & lead,
I fill it with all the things I've never said.

I fill it with those thoughts that should never be,
I fill it with my dreams that light should never see,
I fill it with all the could have been's, all those who leave,
I fill it with your fading love, all the times I couldn't grieve.

It sits there quietly, never says a thing,
Never a murmur of how fast it fills, not a ring,
It only listens and takes it all in,
Only looks with compassionate silence as mine sings.

Just that one day in many it starts to overflow,

and streams down my face as tears start to flow,
It can do nothing to stop them as can I, though,
Just wait patiently till the mourning lets go.

And to this box I will add you too,my sweet,
What I planned my life around, made replete.
It is destiny maybe that my star's four points will never meet.
On the days the box overflows, for you too I will go down that street.

Bet on yourself this time

Have you ever felt the urge to leave everything and run?

Has your skin ever craved to hold someone so close that they never get away?

How many nights have you cried yourself to sleep? Thinking of your bleak past, thinking of the present you are not in his arms, and the uncertain future?

Have you spent majority of your life longing for a person/ persons? Mourning?

How many times have you made someone the centre of your life? And how many times have they left?

Have you stalked someone so bad that you know what they've done even if you've blocked all contact with them? And then follows the urge to cry, doesnt it?  Cuz its only you who is unhappy, you who is still guarded.

Have you been crushed with disappointment, jealousy and an unshakeable feeling of having failed everyone you know?

Have you pictured your life with someone? Doing things you never thought even possible in your life? Because it doesn't resonate with your image of your future, not that it ever will happen.

How many times have you let your guard down. Trust someone enough to tell them about your demons. And how many times have they left you alone with your demons?

How many times a day do you fight the urge to burst out into uncontrollable tears? And how many times do you?

Is this what love is? Really? No. It can never be. Why are you holding on to something so toxic? Why are you letting it control your present?

How many chances have you given this person/ People? How many times have you realised that your happiness is somehow tied to one person? How many times have you realised a few days later that what you feel for others will never be what they feel for you?

Why do you give other people chances when the only thing you should bet upon is you?

In the words of J D Salinger you can't be running back and forth forever between grief and high delight. Will you now start living for yourself?