Saturday, February 20, 2016

When?

When did I become so sad?
Always holding back tears.
When did this anxiety become so bad?
It cuts through me like shears,
When did I let one person hold the reins to my happiness?
I've gone too far in this time, I fear.
Will I grow old in this sappy-ness?
That would be a pity, one more year?

When did you turn into my addiction?
All others pale in comparison.
When did I leave my life to this dereliction?
Will there ever be a change in this season?
Why is this missing so terrible?
so much so that I lose all reason.

What did I do wrong this time?
When will this ravaged heart ever stop loving you?

For you it may just be a call, a simple text,
for me, this waiting is now life,
You cared for me, Was it again pretence?
I hate this strife,
When did I become this nobody?
Am I really that naïve?
When did I let my demons get the better of me?
Every night they come at me with knives.

Saturday, February 13, 2016

The Quagmire

Everyone I ask says no,
everyone, they say it's a mistake.
But I can hardly wait to hear you again

They say I won't be able to hold back,
They say I'll get hurt all over again,
Will it really end for us this way, with all this pain?

They say you could have tried,
They say you didn't get involved,
Why do you want to raise the dead?

If you ever wanted you would,
If you ever needed you could,
but you never did. And too many tears I have shed.

I wondered too at times,
They say people prioritize, 
But you have always been my choice.

I'll keep you at arms length I reply,
Disapointment meets me every night, 
When every minute I hold myself back from making the call, hearing your voice.

Dont they see how I gravitate towards you in a crowd?
So hard it is to be around you as a stranger?
Dont they see the sadness in my eyes cloud? 
How happy I was when you were around, remember?

But, The thing is you've gone so far ahead 
without me and I?
I'm still here. From a lost fire, the embers.

You may say you'll always be there when I need you, 
When will you ever understand?
Im so starved for you, I always will, I need you to need me too.

What will happen to us I dont know,
I only hope this never recurs, I only hope I can make amends,
I can't handle the grudge, the hate. This longing, it never really ends.

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Ethereally brilliant

Ethereal is defined as heavenly, celestial, extremely delicate or refined. Unearthly even. But what of its origin? Does everyone wonder about the origin of words or is it just me?

Anywho, apparently ethereal originates from Greek. The word aithēr, meaning pure air. Aether theories talks about a space filling field, a medium, substance. Newton says "Doth not this aethereal medium in passing out of water, glass, crystal, and other compact and dense bodies in empty spaces, grow denser and denser by degrees, and by that means refract the rays of light not in a point, but by bending them gradually in curve lines? ...Is not this medium much rarer within the dense bodies of the Sun, stars, planets and comets, than in the empty celestial space between them? And in passing from them to great distances, doth it not grow denser and denser perpetually, and thereby cause the gravity of those great bodies towards one another, and of their parts towards the bodies; every body endeavouring to go from the denser parts of the medium towards the rarer?"

I'm sure he meant scientific stuff only. But it's so poetic. I'd like to believe this theory still exists. And this medium, this substance is the bond between either two people or his own higher self.

So those moments you just cant capture on camera when you travel? This is that reaching towards higher self that I'm talking about. Some of these dont even have words to describe the feeling. Other than feeling blessed that you could experience these tiny miracles (ethereal is the word, I know)

So I try to describe them, before I forget completely, hopefully you see them as I do in my mind palace. :P and yes. I've seen all of these.

Like the numerous rainbows you see, cuz no phone camera or DSLR can ever do it justice.  (3 I've seen that I can never forget, one when travelling alongside the rainbow in a train, the full rainbow over the setting sun at the rann of Kutch, and a double one in the clouds below as my flight flew to Mumbai). #feelingBlessed.

Like the fully grown peacock sitting gracefully on a boundary wall of a house alongside the train tracks when your train passes by between Delhi and Agra. #Magnifico.

Like the wind making sand dance like snakes on the road when the vehicle ahead of you is going on full speed. #Fascinating.

Like the sense of belonging when you see a signboard that says you are travelling on a road built by the company you audit. #Pride.

Like the random container (actual ship container ) in the middle of a field in the arid state of rajasthan that says angreji sharaab idhar milegi, and that being the only thing for miles. And a patient line of people outside it. #Incredible.

Or the taxi in front of you that has a poster of a bride in full glory and says tum kab aaogi. #ROFL for lack of a better word.

Or the tractor carrying a tanker of water, enriching the road cuz the tops not closed, while the driver enjoys London thumakda remix on impossibly high volume levels. #Hilarious.

The inumerable people you meet on the journey. Co passenger's, famous people, politicians who's names are never remembered, RBI chairmen, cricketers, all. #Nostalgic.

That random beautifully shaped tree in the middle of nowhere which houses chattering birds in numbers you cant even imagine. #Noisy yet peaceful at the same time.

Like two cows locking horns and fighting away next to the highway your car is flying away on. #National geographic.

Like the deer you notice in a random field, or deer you notice in the forest you are cutting through. #Grace.

Or the peacock in its full glory sitting on a electric post in between two trains travelling over a river. #Stunning.

Or the one tusk loner baby elephant you notice on the side of the road, that turns looks at you and charges. #Petrifying.

Or the 80 year old foreigner who looks very much like a hep version of your own grandmother dancing away with two rajasthani folk dancers. #Awww again for the lack of a better word.

Or the rajasthani puppet dance you see in the middle of aurangabaad. Thousands of kilometers away only to later find out the strings were held by your friend and then think no wonder the puppets were humping. #Fantastic.

The feeling when your flight is hovering over mumbai for 45 minutes waiting for clearance and you see another flight also hovering helplessly across the distance. And then finally see the city. Lights traffic et all. #Home at last.

Or the feeling when you are in the wrong place along the platform. And your train arrives, it will leave in 2 mins and you know you are going to miss it. And you enter a compartment where vestibules on both ends are locked. And wait till it reaches the next stop one hour away when the only entertainment you have is wondering what WMA means written on the side of the fan and light switches ( window, middle, aisle in case anyones curious). #Enlightening.

That feeling of regret when you realise you shouldn't have trusted your friends and booked a sleeper class ticket for a night train, when you always knew they are gonna cancel. And you find Co passenger's who check out your jewellery and or sleep on the floor of the train cuz they are travelling ticketless. #Rueful.

That feeling when you realise that most of these moments are something you want to share with the one person who has long gone from your life. And that one moment opens the floodgate of emotions you thought were locked away forever. #Saudade.

After all Strip us off ego, family, money, future worries and what are we, ethereal beings who crave attention and affection. Success too, up to an extent but basically affection.