So give me hope, in the darkness that i will see the light...

So, Ive been staring at the white screen, with bits of orange (and a mauve maybe or I'm going colorblind) and wondering... Why are eulogies for the dead? It should be like TFIOS, I want to hear what people talk about me, how I touched their lives. On another tangent who would want to write a eulogy for me? I doubt any of the obnoxious people in my life would take an hour (stretching it?) to write some words for me….

Would writing my own eulogy be too narcissistic? I would like someone to talk about my writing, Maybe something like there are poets who sing you to sleep, some poets make you fall in love,  and poets who ready you for war. She wanted to be all (and she achieved it? To some extent, I hope, by the end of my days) . But then I've never really wanted to become a poet… Maybe how much I like reading poetry and fiction.. Maybe how I was the one who introduced Augustus Waters (<3) to a lot of people…

Maybe someone could talk about how I was generally good at knowing things.. How I could answer almost anything under the sun, sometimes with the help of google.. How I could finish telling the story of a saga like Godfather, all in under 3 minutes... How I was good at narrating my stories to others, how good I was in living lies..

I hope nobody talks about my near death incidences (In my defense, I only wanted sleep). Nor about the my fixation with darkness and light and finding purposes… Maybe someone could write about how they feel when they remember me.. would they see my face in front of their eyes? Or hear my sarcastic comments in the background.. Would they remember my belief in magic? Or how I always fell in love with words and promises… Would anyone cry when I die (well other than family). Would anyone cry if I got sick? (No, that’s only me for some people who are not worth it)

But who would write me a eulogy? One of my persons? I'm losing out persons faster than i'm losing out on time.. Maybe I should join one of those anonymous groups and make pen (email/ whatsapp) friends, but what if they turn out to be an axe murderer?

So I won't write one, cuz giving pointers is something I'm happy with.. And I believe I’m still not one of those hopeless cases who would post something and be the only one to like their own posts. I still have an audience, I still have a few persons, who may or may not write beautiful stuff, and talk about math and infinities and robot eyes and liking choices as to who hurts them in life… And I’m pretty sure the first thing they would talk about would be my mad choices.

And I will write about darkness and light and purpose instead…

Why do people always talk about light and darkness, there are grey area’s.. a lotta them which actually cloud my purpose… Isn't it also funny that all our life, we look for purpose, we pursue our purpose, only to die in the end? So death is our final purpose

Lao Tzu says, At the centre of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and what you want… But looking into my being, finding my centre is not easy.. for one its dark (:P) its inside a human body, sometimes I wonder if I will ever find an answer… But then Isn't the answer to life, the universe and everything 42? Maybe it’s the question I need to figure out (does this mean I am going to be confused upto the time I turn 42? I rather go back to finding light inside my dark human body)

Something I read somewhere.. Someone once told me that none of us are actually afraid of the dark; we are scared of what it conceals from us, We are afraid of having something with the potential to hurt us standing right before our eyes and not registering it as a threat.. So there can be darkness even in light, does that mean we should stop looking for light in our lives? Well most of the time I have found that light at the end of my tunnel is actually a train, coming straight on with its horn bajaofying. Sometimes you can move out of the way.. sometimes it hits u, and goes through you like as if you were made of smoke... But you still feel the impact.. whether your made of flesh or smoke... And sometimes in that ravaged, terrible moment you realise what you have been wanting all the time.. (My last such moment almost moved me to tears and all I could think of was I want to watch TFIOS).

So maybe the next train will give me more insight into my centre.. This one was too short term of just 2 days to the weekend and to the booking of movie tickets. And I end with this, just because I like it.. And cuz I wanted to quote Mumford and Sons.. And I don't care whether I get a eulogy or not at the end of my life cuz then there would be no darkness.. and there would be no light..

But I will hold on as long as you like

just promise me we'll be alright

The ghosts that we knew will flicker from the view, 

and we will live a long life..

What makes you Tick?

So, It’s almost a year, You’d think it would be better by now but no, This confusion doesn’t end, It has barely begun. There was a survey that day.. 5 non connected everyday questions and how you rate them.. Some Freudian priority shit And it didn’t throw up anything new..

(Five things are happening in your house at the same time. In which sequence would you solve them?

1.The telephone is ringing!

2.The baby is crying!

3.Someone’s knocking or calling you from the front door

4.You hung the clothes out to dry and it is beginning to rain

5. You left the tap on in the kitchen and the water is already overflowing

Every individual point represents something in your life.

On the list you can see which meaning every point has:

1. Telephone represents Work

2. Baby represents Family

3. Door represents Friends

4. Clothes represent Money

5. Tap represents Love/ Sex

Your chosen sequence determines the priorities in your life.)

I value work more than anything and then love/ sex, unfortunately family is last on my list( In my defense, I hate kids, crying kids will eventually stop crying if you ignore them) 

So what makes you Tick? My sad life says work. It’s when work gets repetitive and redundant that you realize the clock is ticking on with you not getting a high off it.. So this post is about getting my priorities sorted.

Two years ago everything was going right, two years ago I didn’t believe I couldn’t. It’s not that I don’t believe anymore, Im just confused as to whether it’s worth it. Two years ago my life had definition, Two years ago I knew where I wanted to be three years from then. And Now? Do I know what next year should bring me? Not really. Did I know writing would go from being my way of venting frustration towards life to being the only thing I want to do for the rest of my years?

Did I know stories is all I want to exist for? Life Experiences inspire me, Cuz they show how life changing events can turn your life around. Yes I know how stupid that sentence sounds, but I cannot find a better way of putting that sentence. Everyone struggles through life. Some more than others. Problems exist everywhere.. Theres no life without them. But in the end it doesn’t matter how u struggled or whether you struggled more than others did. The fact that you struggled in your life means that you haven’t accepted where you were. That you yearn to be in a better place. In the end it only matters where you get to, never where you began from. (Nobody’s a bad person.. Nobody does things they know is bad to others and does not regret.. If you do regret? Then why do it.. forget everything and come back.. If you don’t regret? I will regret spending a year regretting )

So back to my priorities – The basic one stays the same. I want to move. I want to keep moving. Cuz not moving is equivalent to being dead. I want to see new places, make new friends, have my heart broken by people you never would’ve believed would’ve mattered in your life. Yes, the cliché Ranbir Kapoor Dialogue of Mein Udna Chahta Hu is playing in the background right now..

I want to learn, I want to spend my lifetime sitting in a classroom not listening/ partially listening to the lecturer droning on, I want to party, I want to complete assignments with the background of maybe a beach in Phuket or a forest of pine trees at my feet. But will they let me in? Self-doubt is one of the worst things ever.

But then again wont that take me too far from you? You being all of you who have become an irreplaceable part of my life? Am I already unapproachable to you? Have I already gone out of your life? When will you realize that I don’t want that? When will you realize I am not that strong that I can go on without you? And that right now I don’t care about whether what you want is in line with what I want, Cuz I can’t think of you wanting something else. I want to move forward only with you. A year without you is enough time for me to ponder what I want in life. And although Im still not really sure about where I want to be, I do know who I want with me.

I don’t blame you, I don’t blame myself, I don’t blame the stars, I don’t blame anything. Because these two years however confused had you in it. I don’t even know if you have me in your life anymore, If you want me in your life anymore (On the other hand if you read this and realize what I mean, I’d be really glad if you let me know. Im sorry to bring this out on public domain, It’s much easier for me to write than to talk to a person who may or may not react the way you expect them to. Im sorry if you think Im expecting too much, but I don’t ever want to lose you. If you do read this on yet another hand (yes I love three handed people) and don’t react, I hope you regret it throughout your life, Cuz I had the courage to tell the world about it, and you won’t even tell me? ) So will you? If you don’t I’ll still live in the false hope of you having not read this. Because the alternate would mean only more despair and anguish (For those of you who want to slap the shit out of me for this? I stand my ground and refuse to let go of something so good)

“A soul can live in torment for years and years, even decades, as it slowly, stone by stone, builds a mound over a grave; as it moves towards the apprehension of eternal loss and bows down before reality.” So what is the reality I need to bow down before? To think I would have had a wonderful year, confused but still with the support of people I want in my life.. I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?

Last quote of today? 

“Maybe it’s like you said before, all of us being cracked open. Like each of us starts out as a watertight vessel. And then things happen - these people leave us, or don’t love us, or don’t get us, or we don’t get them, and we lose and fail and hurt one another. And the vessel starts to crack in places. And I mean, yeah once the vessel cracks open, the end becomes inevitable” 

So what is the end? But I digress again. People change, their outlooks change, their promises die, their priorities change, mine did too.. Im not saying I’m still the same.. Neither are the circumstances, but that doesn’t mean what I want has changed.. Maybe it never will… And maybe only once I get that what I want will I be able to move forward?