Nevermore

Her thoughts never stop, her eyes never tire, her amazement never ceases and never does her exhaustion flee...

She sits there troubled... wondering where life's taking her, the future in doubts shroud, impassive on first look but fire burning inside...

She hates the longing, she hates where she sits, she wants to move,  but invisible chains hold her down... caged in her own mind, flapping her large wings against the bars that keep her in...

She’s travelling, dunno where to, aimlessly wandering, looking for the right exit to take, looking for the right life to make...

And he sits there, with crossed legs, on that tall armchair, next to the ticking long case clock, his smile turning into a sneer, and watches her in his crystal ball..

He watches her futile attempts to thrash around on the bars, slowly removing his blade as the clock chimes 10, two to go he wonders, or...???

She doesn't notice him, she’s too busy fighting her own demons, demons that mock silently when she quietens to sit back on the floor, cover herself with her aching wings...

He sits back, and tests the blade... drawing blood almost immediately... enough for flesh but what about her substance?

She closes her eyes, only to see the same nightmare all over again.. her demons clawing at her, waiting for her soul to submit, until the man next to her shifts, and his newspaper falls at her feet..

She shuffles in her seat, disturbed from her wakeless terror, what's happening she wonders... The world moves forward while she’s stationary.. Or has the world been altered by her terror too?

“Sorry”, he says.. she looks up bewildered... His eyes, that’s all she can see.. His piercing blue eyes.. Like the clearest of morning skies… so inviting.. replete with promise…

His hands bend forward towards the newspaper, her feet don't move… she doesn’t react..  disbelief washes over her.. Those eyes.. they are unnatural.. Nothing can give so much hope..

Her mouth opens and shuts, like a fish.. her arms stretch outward involuntarily to touch him… He can’t be real.. But he is undeniably flesh and blood..

He smiles.. warmly, flinching only a bit at her cold touch.. “Are you ok?” he asks…

Is it really you? Are you here finally, She marvels…? So is that what you look like? “If the destination is you, I don't mind the journey”, she says…

He looks at her baffled.. is there something wrong with his guise? Did he overdo it? No, that’s her gift, Don't underestimate yourself.. He thinks..

“So are you ready? For the journey of a lifetime? For freedom from pain and craving? For freedom from feelings and …. ?” He asks..

“As always” she answers..

And he sits there by the long case clock.. As it gets closer to 12.. satisfied… His blade sprawled across his lap, touching his pointed fingertips together.. There wasn’wasn't a struggle, This one is easier than it looks..

The train lurches ahead into a tunnel.. The coach glows softly with the light from the lamps.. People’s faces obscured by the dark… Laughter and clinking of champagne glasses in the air… No one notices them disappear.. No one notices them missing…

“Welcome home, My Love” He says.. She stands there in her cage, held down by chains.. Her wings bent and broken.. Her eyes bloodshot from lack of rest..

She stands there quietly, caged, expressionless and strong.. she knows what’s coming.. It’s the same as her dream…

“Did you like him?” He says slowly getting up from his tall armchair… “He’s one of my favorites…” His black beady eyes narrow, mocking her again… “Come forth now love… Don't be afraid..”

She doesn’t move.. the noisy silence cut only by the ticking of the clock.. 

“Oh, Im sorry, Your chains”, in one swipe of his hands, the cage disappears… He motions his fingers, the force pulls her towards him… she stands there, suspended in midair, the chains her only link to reality… He motions again and she falls.. the chains are gone too..

She’s too tired to move, every bone, muscle and sinew in her body hurts.. but she still looks at him nonchalant..

Her gifts are dead too, like her will, he thinks.. so does she.. five minutes to go..

“Let’s make this easy on you” He motions again.. The force pulls her up, and draws her towards him.. she gasps as she feels his breath on her cheek… Cold and reeking of camels…

The clock strikes 12, The first gong sounds.. His pointed nails trace a line from her cheek down to her neck… His blade raised… Its tip cutting into her arm… a trickle of blood oozes out.. She doesn’t cry.. She doesn’t flinch…

In her head shes counting… 4 to go.. Wouldn't it be better if she submit.. There would be no worries anymore… just floating in timeless space…

The blood is gushing now.. the wound is deep.. 2 to go… He raises his blade over her head… Is this how it is to end… She closes her eyes, waiting for the blade’s swoosh.. The end is here..

She sees them again… Those clear blue eyes.. The clearest of morning skies…No.. This is not the end.. It cannot be the last thing I see.. Her eyes open again.. to look into his mirthless ones.. The clock chimes 12... 

He laughs, and pulls forward, aiming at her head.. A clean cut.. thats what he wants.. and then she is mine..

"No" She says, quietly and calmly.. He tries to move, but he's paralysed... His mirthless eyes now fearful.. She tiptoes forward.. and removes his blade from his hands.. With a spark from her fingers, it turns into dust... "Goodbye" 

She turns around to look at the long case clock "Nevermore", the clock ticks on...

"Umm, Sorry? but can I have my newspaper back?" she looks bewildered, into those piercing blue eyes and the the train speeds on..

And just like that, this year ends..

So, another year ends.. the world still didnt, neither does my life.. what im getting at is that you guys still have no respite from my years roundup.. And so here goes...

1. I fell in love.. with words, with literature,  with excerpts of poems, quotes by authors, books all over again.. The way I read hasnt changed. . I still live the lives the characters live, like watching memories from a penseive. . But I now pause to re-read each word searching for more meanings than mere words..

2. I did nothing this year,  I lazed around, worked, worked more, lazed around more, learnt a bit (textbook stuff), learnt a lot (life stuff) found friends, found good friends, found new persons, lost some.. and moped around lazily some more.. so that's it, nothing happened this year..

3.  You can never care too much about anything or anyone.. cuz that thing or person has a mind of its own.. and thoughts of its own.. where you have no idea how or why things happen, go where they go or end how they end... and the care doesnt end, unluckily,  it eats you up, and tries to consume the whole of you..

4. If I die on a friday night, or a saturday morning,  no one will come to know until saturday night or even worse, monday morning, when your boss calls up to ask why you aren't at office yet at 10. This is out of an epiphany I had when I was sick over a weekend. Life this year was epiphenomenal...

5. Theres always someone who knows more than you in life... even if you are Red from shawshank.. even if you always know someone whose somewhere when someone talks about that somewhere. . You sometimes find someone who knows more than the somethings you know. ..

6. Theres no such thing as no tiredness,  I am perennially tired.. if not physically by travelling half across the world.. (goregaon does seem as far as the other end of the world.. I think half across the world would be easier) then mentally.. theres no limit to how much you can wonder, theres no limit to how much you can worry, theres no limit to how much you can replay things in your head, and no limit to what ifs..

7. Soulmates exist.. they are not necessarily your life partners... they may not even have the same interests as you..  they can be your friends... its only that sometimes it takes you a while to recognise them. . And when you recognise it you never wanna ever let it go.. just hope that the other person realises it too.. in other words, some of my persons are soul mates..

8. You can never build too many walls around you.. too many is never enough.. what you need is one single iron clad unbreakable wall, that will save you from those people who try to tear them down.. or even better? Build a wall around you after the person tears it down. . That way the person is stuck with you, and wont leave you after tearing them down... never let anyone see the true you, the true you cant handle silence. ..

9. Being alone is good sometimes, it allows you to clear your mind... it allows you to not be defined by someone.. and it does good for your ego,  and mental health... it shows you that you dont need to live to survive... survival means existing, and for that you need only your body parts to function.

10. You can never hate people, you can only be indifferent towards them? Thats all shit.... I hate my boss. There I said it.. he can ruin a perfectly normal day and ruin every weekend (what are weekends?) And every holiday you plan to take...

So, thats my year for you.. morose isn't it? Whatever you write, its always about someone. .. this post is not turning out to be an exception sadly, and ive become very predictable (yeah, im still moping)  Lets hope 2014 is better in terms of job opportunities atleast... everything else looks really light years away from me.. (if you still dont get it, my life hits rock bottom every year,  and every year the bottom is much lower than the year before) 2014- please be good and ill try to burn my excess baggage with the old man that is 2013.

May this year bring to us magic, clarity and lots of memorable moments!cheers! And be cool!