Disturbia All over again...

My dad has a few favourites. .. one of them particularly. . What he read some 10 years ago in the Gita which he keeps reiterating almost once a week and which I've grown tired of listening to ( I can sense it coming even before he says anything) Lift yourself by yourself.. because your mind is a friend as much as it is an enemy..

The context he used to use this in, although is completely different from what this is.. but its perfect for the shit I am so deep in now…Cuz I have a feeling this time I've become my own enemy... doing things crazier than ever... things that affect my life, my living, my dreams and my focus... and at the end of it all, where do I stand? 20 days of my life lost waiting, trying to figure things out, trying to make things right, trying to not loose people from my life who clearly don't wanna talk...

I never have been that person who understands crap like sentimental poems or even sentimental quotes.. but here I am, trying my best to not burst out crying for a poem a friend wrote.. or even something a dumb friend shared on my wall.. I hate you fate... for doing this to me.. for showing me that carrot on the stick and pulling it away...

I hate you destiny for bringing someone in my life who I've come to depend upon.. And then making it so complicated that we apparently have nothing to talk anymore or don’t want to anymore.(I wonder how one person can change everything in your life, sometimes by being there and other times by not..)

I hate you life for making me cranky and emotional and all that I never have been.. Its been seven years since I cried to sleep every night and no, life, this time I will not let you win…

I hate you fortune for doing this to me before my exam.. and making me feel guilty for saying anything and everything…

I've lived my life with the theory of never letting anyone control it… and never letting anyone decide on whats right for me or wrong for me… It is me who is responsible for this and everything. I've always felt that no one can make a person feel miserable unless someone lets them.. Yes I did and yes I take full blame of letting some one do it… (I don’t know whether you did it on purpose, but whatever it is, You know I have a very high level of tolerance, did you really have to breach that?)

My Wheels of fortune have spun out of control… When my world comes crashing down, and everything crumbles.. all I wanted was a long comforting hug.. and one tight slap.

There is one more thing that the verse says..‘Lift yourself by yourself; and having lifted yourself, do not allow yourself to be dragged down. For this, Self alone is your friend and indeed this Self alone is your enemy.’ There is no one else who can help you out as much as you can. So in this case I'm gonna help myself out thank you.. Its not that I don’t wanna talk to you,(I mean everything I say whether its on public domain or on our chats/ talk.. that’s how I am, even every nonsense word has meaning, and now I doubt were you ever who you were to me? did you really mean everything u said too?) but I think I went over with the trying to make you feel better.. and if you still don’t, then I think its not my fault anymore…

Its time you dragged yourself out and not dragged down… Your never alone unless you let yourself be.. And I'm not apologising for that anymore..

P.S I’m over the upset stage, and right now in the angry and frustrated stage, If you still want to make things right, please do it before the I don’t care anymore stage.. And its never about ego... Its a matter of self respect...

Switch it off Please...

Your brain is a weird thing.. it makes up stuff.. you spend around most of the time analysing, re analysing, thinking of what would be, thinking of what it can be and why it can't be..  While most of the times it shows you what you want to see, other times it just refuses to show you sense... Understanding what's real and what's just make believe is sometimes so hard that it becomes difficult to differentiate..

Understanding the relationship between the brain and your mind is again difficult.. what your brain thinks is what your mind hopes.. and what your mind hopes is what your brain wants you to think..

At times i wonder is it possible to separate them both.. the brain and your mind.. it would be so much better if you could take your mind and throw it out of the window (not really window, cuz this cabin has none) It would be so much easier to function when your life is devoid of all feeling.. that numbness is so much better than the complete upheaval your mind does periodically..

One moment you're so happy that you forget all your worries.. all thats bothering you.. and you are ready to plunge into anything... and then next morning it shows you reality with those gory wounds that haven't healed yet and most probably never will.. (I can so imagine flesh and muscle peeling off a bloodless face, do you agree that i'm a psychopath too?)  I hate mornings cuz after a few hours sleep, everything becomes clearer in the morning.. and that clearer is not really what your mind wants to see..

I dunno why i have the misfortune or fortune of being many peoples listener... (yes a listener... sounds so much better than counsellor)  on relationships mainly when I have hardly any experience to give advice.. It was bound to happen one day.. I've collected everyones problems and accumulated them in my head as if there was nothing better that could be done with the waste space in my head.. I love listening, analysing and giving opinions.. its not that you guys are irritating me, but i think now that dam has burst... suddenly lifes given me more to think about myself than you guys and seriously? I care a damn for most of your problems.. they sound so petty and childish.. I hope you take the hint and move on with your life and let me live in peace...

To that question hounding all your minds on why do i like/ love/ hate/ any other strong/ faint feeling towards any person? Why do people feel any of the above feelings for anyone? Wouldn't it just be better to live your own life? Rather than waste it thinking whether you want to spend time feeling any of the above for that person? And rather concentrate on what heights you can get to without bothering about other people and bothering other people as well..

This doesn't apply to all of you.. of course you guys (especially a few of you) can tell me all you want... but to those who I do seem disinterested.. please do take the hint and shut the hell up... I really care a damn of whos not got a job, who's not getting another, whose boyfriend/ girlfriend is not good enough for whom and whose boyfriend is not getting accepted by the family at the very beginning of an extremely dubious relationship... Neither do i want to know of your numerous crushes that you seem to carry on at the same point of time...

This time, Its my turn to ramble and I definitely need direction.. This time the mess I've created is too large and it affects more than just myself... I just hope that you understand that I am normally this way.. always in a mess and I am really sorry I dragged you into it.. And i do hope that my mind and brain and your mind and brain don't get more affected by this... Until then its just embarrassment and disappointment and crazy talk all over again... and im tired of thinkin before speaking any thing and always being fearful of what may happen if I say something. .. this I promise you is the end of that. ..

And to my 4 pointed star dream? I haven't forgotten you.. I'm sorry I sidelined you for a few weeks, and from this moment on, I am back to being your faithful servant.. Its you that I dream of and you that I want to live for... Nothing more and nothing else..

And to my brain.. Will you please shut the hell up? I have a lot of better things to do...