And why the distance? I went on leave.. two weeks of travel, touching 4 states (mostly rail), around 50 relatives and 10 temples (I'm not an atheist, I'm just agnostic leaning towards the possibility of The One supernatural being sitting up there amused at what goes on down here, and if he/she is pulling the strings, what the hell do you think you are doing?). And as I wanted to, other than the visits and the travel, All I listening to thr sameleep, wake up, eat, laze, talk dumb things and sleep again. And think.. Lots of that, like someone said, I write more than an average person thinks in a year, extrapolated to XXX.(the below pictures so true btw)
So among all the things i thought about, there were some conclusions:
Starting with the most important one, I constantly need change, new challenges, new work, and a lot of nothingness between all the change. These two weeks were great for nothingness and yes as usual I have the greener on the other side syndrome of how it would be if i wasn't working 14 hours a day and travelling 3 hours a day.. How i want to earn money without working, How i want to work for work and not for money.. How I don't want to wake up in the morning dreading dealing with reporting seniors, (Yes the one particularly), How I don't want to wake up with no purpose for that day... yeah, confused soul I am.
So what makes a day interesting? Small victories (Big ones toh definitely) and big defeats... Everyday is a struggle, to one up somebody, to show somebody they are wrong .. some days you get out on top (feeling like you conquered the moon). Like how you manage to push and fit in between those not so exciting curves of other women in the first class compartment. Like how you teach someone who has a huge vocabulary a new word. Like when u try your best not to loose your cool when someone just refuses to see sense (Cuz putting sense into them is like hitting your head against the wall). Like the moment that person sees sense himself after four times of you trying to get him to see sense. Like when you manage to get a rickshaw from the unofficial haphazard line outside station before the person who has been apparently waiting from a long time..
And those big defeats? The time when u have a big fight with the rickshaw wala, make him stop in the middle of the way, and walk home cursing that his house burns down that night (I see part victory in that too, yes). That moment when you realise that at the end of the day the person you are trying to make see sense is not worth it and that the whole damn day went waste it in. The fact that you are working your ass off just because you have that inbuilt workaholic in you... The fact that you cannot say no to anything.. The fact that some days you fume, fire burning in your eyes, ready to take on whatever comes your way and that day nothing comes at you... The fact that some days somebody fumes at you And you cant do any Damn thing as you are completely Iin agreement with whats happening.. those days sting no less than a tight slap across your face and you cant do anything about it other than curse quietly under your breath... again is that defeat? The fact that you accept your mistake and are not ready to loose your cool even after listening to the same thing over and over is pretty much a victory itself...
So at the end of today? (As usual if someone asks me what happened today, there's my standard answer.. nothing) you win some and you lose some.. the days always end up with everyone winning.. if not an argument then definitely as a learning experience of how to not let someone one up you in that discussion. next time..
everyday at the time I reach office, theres a budgeted time of exit.. which is defeated miserably at the end... thats one victory I guess will never be mine..
Ps.Anyone reading this who tthinks im on the verge of a breakdown? Dont.. im perfectly (maybe) fine.. writing is one way I keep In touch with reality and my creativity Blossoms best when im on this end of the bipolar ;)
