Raise a glass of wine, for the last time

Death is inevitable. People die, feelings die, relationships die, so do brains.. (I dunno how that people who are generally intelligent can suddenly become extremely dumb and obstinate)

Its useless wondering what happened, what went wrong, blaming a higher power or even questioning him.. its just a matter of time before you realise that after a length of trying you cant do anything about it...

Lemony Snickets, says It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things..

It takes a long time to get there though, trying to readjust, you can never stop grieving, you only get better at existing with that emptiness... It never gets easier, you only get better.. And if this is to end in Fire, then we should all burn together, And if we die tonight, Then we should all die together.. So that there is no one left to grieve.. so that there is no loss in the world.. (I looovvvveee that song)

In case its death as in death, all we can do is remember the good times, the bad times, the crazy times.. and crave.. crave for the times they were, long for the times that could have been, carry them in your heart.. in your mind, like a burden sometimes, like a prayer other times. .

Like EE Cummings says i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

You carry them in your heart, when they go, their thoughts fill you up, their memories never go from your head.. the first few months are the most difficult, they are all you think about in every few minutes you get free.. they are all you want to think about when your brain gets free from the normal grind of work and imagination. Until one day, you realise, it stopped.. they still exist in your thoughts for, they still are in the back of your mind constantly, but life always throws up other things for you to brood about.

When relationships die (not just romantic ones, even that of friends), they are the same.. only it hurts more.. cuz in this case along with the burden you carry, u keep looking for answers to whether you've done something wrong.. keep looking for signs that they still care...( Do feelings really die? If they do, why arent mine dead yet?)

Like I read somewhere.. I don’t like hope very much. In fact, I hate it. It’s the crystal meth of emotions. It hooks you fast and kills you hard. It’s bad news, the worst. It’s sharp sticks and cherry bombs. When hope shows up, it’s only a matter of time before someone gets hurt.. When its feelings that die, hope survives.. and hope is not a good thing to survive on.. It tears you apart.. and it hurts, more than anything ever can..

People are crazy, they walk, they run, they stop, they talk and then stop again.. so what makes them stop? In most cases they are just tired, weary of the futile daily grind of walking, talking and running.. and some cases, its Death..

Death ends a life, not a relationship, that means both ways.. when someone dies, the relationship survives, he was <insert irreplaceable piece of heart here> and will always be <insert irreplaceable piece of heart here>. In case a relationship dies? Its not relationship as in “relationship”.. It’s a life.. You just killed that life…

The worst one of all deaths is that forced silence that hangs between two people who were close before.. why was there a fallout? Was there even a fall out? Sometimes people get tired of trying, sometimes people worry that they're annoying... sometimes people let good things go, without wondering what a stupid thing it was, that caused it.. (yes, 5 years down the line every single extremely serious thing that caused the fallout will be silly; that's definite) (Is that silence forced from both ends? Or is it just one trying to hold on.. not wanting to move on?)

Its not that people are egoistic, after a certain point of craving, all you want is those familiar words, those familiar voices, those familiar feelings.. its just the simple question that stops them from taking the first step.. do you feel them too? Or am I the only person who is mad enough to continue obsessing, day in day out? But the uncomfortable silence changes.. It gets comfortable, over time.. But, Is that what you want?

It’s the same, when a dream dies.. You try to hold on.. You try not to let go.. But all you hold on to is emptiness.. all you hold on to is lost words, lost promises and lost fantasies.. But No, I wont let you.. When I'm the sort of person who takes a really long time to get over anything, do you think I would let you (On another tangent, when you do know how much time I take to get over something, did you have to do that? Did you have to give me those dreams, and then just die?)

In the end whats life? Its an effort to find people who you can be close to.. and the hope that these feelings are reciprocated and appreciated. . And then the hope that this closeness survives the test of time..

I'm never the person to mope around and cry, hell I'm not even the kind of person to care.. so when I do, dont leave me, by death or by silence, cuz I'm not that experienced in killing feelings.. (people, now that's different, Ive planned 3 torturous deaths in my head already, too bad I need an army of stuntmen and equipments to carry them out. Yes I get carried away sometimes, but these people totally deserve it)

I'm the kind of person who doesn't love, doesn't care, doesn't have a best friend (just a lot of good friends) i don't feel anything... but I obsess.. more than anything in the world, all I can think about is that thing, that job, that school, that work, that goal.. and I'm kinda like a one point agenda person.. so all of these have been my one point focus in life at some point or the other.. so when I do make you the focus of my life, my obsession, my world revolves around you.. don't ridicule me, don't tell anything if you don't have anything good to say, don't hurt me.. that's the maximum importance I can give to anything in my life, please don't die, please don't leave me... And I don't mean that as a particular person, I mean you my dream, my passion.. Please do stay on.. please let me come to your gate one day and stay in for the whole four(?) terms(yes, I want to visit your other gates too)...

People who sympathise with others saying time will heal everything, stop this bullshit.. it doesn't heal, it only makes you miss that someone you lost even more... it makes you miserable at the fact that that person will never be the first person to wish you a good morning and the last person to talk to you before you sleep.. it makes you miserable to the point that whatever you are doing, u feel them around... like I said, It never gets easier, you only get better, at dealing with it... dealing with the fact that you could have done so much more, if only that person was alive..

People are so different now, I just saw Sound of Music, the other day, and am still awed by the simplicity of the villains in it.. The worst someone could be in it was Hitler, and the situation, and the war... there was no scheming, conniving person whose whole intent was to destroy.. Even the baroness could have done so much more than let go of captain, the second time over.. for example kill her? (Yes, that is always the first thing that comes to me) Manipulate the captain and the kids to push Maria away? (courtesy naushad).

Evil has risen so much more in these years.. so much so that no one likes simplicity anymore.. so much so that people don't believe each other anymore.... they always look out for something more to a normal sentence, someone is always instigating someone else, theres always a snake in the story, someone is always looking for revenge... Someone is always intent on getting back at someone else.. Someone is always looking for ways to make another's life miserable (As if life wasn’t problematic enough already!!!). But here again death has the last laugh.. (both as in death and the death by silence)
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference
(I am quoting too much nowadays, aren't I?)

Something I read that day which you may find both disturbing and scary (?), which i love, which may make you think I am a psychopath (Yes, a lot of you don’t doubt it, right?)
“WHO KNOWS WHAT EVIL LURKS IN THE HEART OF MEN?
The Death of Rats looked up from the feast of the potato. SQUEAK, he said.
Death waved a hand dismissively. WELL, YES, OBVIOUSLY ME, he said. I JUST WONDERED IF THERE WAS ANYONE ELSE.”

Episkey!

So my blog has a new look... cuz I don't have the patience to change wordpress... like it? U can't exactly do anything about it, if you don't, can you? I hate these kinda situations.. Where I can’t do anything and get told off for asking.. Asking doesn’t really mean I will be able to do anything... its just that I would like to have knowledge of stuff going on in the otherwise mundane lives of other people… Please don’t ridicule me when I do. (Ask)

Yes, this post is about magic. . Not the pull a rabbit out of a hat magic but more of the fantasy dragons and wizards and mage magic.. Not exactly Salem from Sabrina type, or I dream of Jeannie, or bewitched... it may not exist right in front of our eyes right now but theres no reason to believe it never did... and theres no reason to believe it doesnt exist in those dark alleys and in those bright lights you pass by everyday..


Maybe the medium is now different... A stream of cuss words muttered under your breath may sound like a wizard muttering an incantation... and you may point the stylus of your phone as a wand... Fortunately or unfortunately, they don’t work. But that doesn’t mean you can ever question its existance...

Someone asked me that day, have I experienced magic? Yes I have... but it’s in everything around you, havent You? (experienced magic, I mean, don’t let your perv mind wander)... You just have to open your eyes... And look...


You dont need to be in a pentacle to draw out spirits. (You definitely need to be in a bar for that, on a lighter note). If you are positive, good people are drawn towards you.. And if you remain positive, bad people will also turn good people eventually.. So that circle of karma that you keep clean? That is your pentacle..


Its magic that’s the force behind my writing.. ( Theres a word for it apparently, scripturient. (adj.) having a consuming passion to write. (pro) skrip-‘tUr-E-ent). That feeling when you click on publish? Indefinable.. I almost feel a swoosh when I do. J

Don’t you believe in that innocent magic in the eyes of a two year old when he sees a new playground, or even a new plaything? (I still hate kids.. This magic can be seen from a distance)

Don’t you believe in the chemistry what makes you hit it off with a person who you have no previous interaction with? That’s magic...

Don’t you believe in the power that makes you go from friends to close friends to best friends? That’s magic...

The magic when u hugs your friends after seeing them after ages... That’s something you can’t describe can you? (That’s again, nothing but magic)

Sometimes you think fate brings about things in your life... but whats fate if not magic? Its fate that brings people together and keeps them apart. Its fate that allows a person to have a life, however hard you try to control your life, its fate (magic, I mean)

Like reading a good book... Some can take you to another planet, some back in time and some to that place in your head that you never want to get out off... Seriously, it took me like a day to get out of alagaesia the last time I read it in my usual record speed... And Middle earth? I think that’s what heaven must be.. I never want to emerge from that comfortable cocoon of middle earth that’s in my head..

Magic can be found in stolen moments... those hugs after years of longing… One smile from a new born baby... Magic comes from emotions... And selfless feelings... It lingers on even when they are apart... It’s the force that keeps people together, and away, at times... Magic is found in dreams and Dreamer with the Caps D, I am.

And who says dragons don’t exist? Of course they do... (No, they are not overgrown lizards of the Galapagos Islands... or those extinct dinosaurs... though their eggs may look similar... a pterodactyl is a very sad version of it... don’t even THINK of going there, a pterodactyl that breathes fire, that’s like stretching it really thin) and both good ones as well as bad ones exist... The good ones are those wise words which your subconscious presents at moments of turmoil and says Let it be (reminds me of Glaedr). And the bad ones? That’s the ones that make you brood on the same things for like a lifetime and never let you forget them, My subconscious Shruikan (Did you know an inheriwiki exists?)(Actually I’d disagree that bad dragons exist, Any bad dragon will only be as bad as its rider, So the magic, again, depends upon you)


Theres fantasy anywhere and everywhere... it’s just up to you... whether you need to see it to believe it... although it will do you good if you believe it... you may even get to see it... Like Roald Dahl says “And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.”

Stories of Imagination tend to upset those without one... And oh boy, do u lead a sad life... And like Salvatore says... “No, I would not want to live in a world without dragons, as I would not want to live in a world without magic, for that is a world without mystery, and that is a world without faith”. Just because you don’t believe in something, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist... I believe in Magic. Period. And when you’re touched by magic, nothing can ever be the same again… It feels more like home in my head than home itself... And yes, Magic is my religion (That’s so much better than cricket and any player as god)

P.S Why Episkey? Cuz I like it, duh!(And not cuz it rhymes with Whiskey) And cuz it means in some words, heal.. So guys heal your overgrown stubborn minds and feel the magic!

Find your inspiration

So this mini vacation of lovely me time, sleep and all other festivities is halfway through.. I love diwali.. and no, although major portion of the love does come from the fact that no one really bothers whether your working or not.. and because of the fact that my boss is on vacation... its because its diwali!  everyone's gotta love diwali.. its the festival of lights, sound and food :)

Food is so amazing... it comforts you when your upset.. it fills you up even if you dont need it... and in the words of ck, it never judges you... any chocolate you eat will never look whether your worth it... any chips packet you rip open will never look at your height or weight or ugly/pudgy face... it doesnt care if your hungry or not... it doesnt care if you look like a pig or not..
And the love in it.. from the food your mom makes (i dont exactly to get any options there, its more of either eat what I cooked after all that sweating in the kitchen early morning or eat air) to the sandwich wala outside your office... the love that goes into cooking can be the only reason of why im not getting any thinner... (yes the sandwich wala loves his job, and thats the love im talking about here)

It feels wonderful to not have opened the laptop to check mail... or wonder about Where lifes taking me..  or wonder about choices when you get to a crossroad.. I wish all roads we walked upon were like highways or expressways... you already know ur destination in mind before getting on it and know which exit is the right one to take... in the words of a friend the phrase my way or the highway doesnt apply.. cuz well obviously im the one choosing the highway ;p

Today toi carried an article... on how a tv show series could teach management lessons... game of thrones and breaking bad being favourites... but how do they manage to inspire you? Thats only cuz of the writer... I hope my writing helps somebody someday.. actually even if u understand me that would be great..

inspiration never announces itself.. and when it does come around u better have a pen and paper or your smart phone... and its really a great feeling that you as a writer are open to so much more just because anything and everything can be used in your writing... I pity them non writers... and the best part? If a writer loves you, you never really die... even if the writer hasnt or has told you about it.. and it doesnt stop at love for people... it goes on to non living things, fantasies and even imaginations..  I also pity them non readers.. who close their world into those four walls and never let their mind wander... never be inspired to write..

Even dumbledore can inspire more than just harry..  he talks about magic in words, which I believe is the reason I believe in magic more than earthly things like love.. if not words then how would my mind not be in this state of constant restlessness... in this state of constant imagination?

He says Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury,
and remedying it...Yes.. its only if you communicate that you can see sparks.. like that from a  wand.. and for the lack of a better medium I write.. (not that I havent tried others, but the feeling of hitting your head against the wall over and over is not really comfortable) I try not to inflict injury on anyone when I do (write or talk) but sometimes I wonder whether people are really so dumb that they cannot understand injury inflicting words or is it that those injuries get inflicted upon myself and never gets through to them.. what more remedy to use I  really don't know...

Im also rediscovering poetry.. its been a long time since any poet has caught my fancy.. the last poem that awed me being eve of waterloo.. and im amazed what triggered it.. flipping channels to find movies that you havent had time to watch is not exactly a place where you find inspiration.. E.E Cummings has immortalised himself in his poems and a movie I dont even remember the name of manages to bring him back to life... (those words from the poem is what I thought this post should be about, but that im keeping in reserve for another time)

He also says ( not exactly in a poem, i think) A wind has blown the rain away and blown the sky away and all the leaves away, and the trees stand. I think, I too, have known autumn too long.

The wind has actually been blowing.. and hard.. and for too long have I held on to the last leaf on that tree.. its now time for winter... maybe not as cold as the starks predict but cold nevertheless...

Time doesnt change people.. situations do.. and reactions.. or lack of it do.. I waited too long for you under that lonely oak across the vast field.. this time when ( and if)  you look back ill be gone... dont wonder why.. cuz you will find your answer in your promises.. and your absence...

Your life is your choice..

Every day is filled with choices... Every moment from the minute you snooze the alarm, risking the fact that your boss may actually reach earlier than you... is a choice you make... Like the choice to continue on a job where you have no clue what you’re heading towards... Like the choice to work on a Sunday for a senior who clearly has only the one point agenda of making you feel worse that you worked your ass off all week...  Like the fact that I should be learning right now and not contemplating delaying the exam or where my life is taking me or writing this shit… And people always take dumb decisions in all the choices they get... (Like me writing this right now) And everything that follows is just consequences of those dumb decisions. (Like me having to stay up all night learning geometry all over) Life's all about the choices we make.. and the chances we take..

Why is it that people have expectations? Any expectations? If there were no expectations there would be no disappointment... There would be no anxiety over the result of a choice... There would be no panic when you someone cuts your call... There would be no more broken people, no more anger, no more frustration… Everyone plans today for the future... Every single step one takes is to secure what’s coming round the corner on a road called life... When every moment only brings us closer to death... Why is it that we Live life when every minute we are only dying? Like Game of Throne’s says Valar Morghulis… Every man must die... but first he must live... death is so terribly final, while life is so full of possibilities...

So why plan for the future? When it’s destined already... It’s inevitable... And my cards right now say confusion spelt out in bold letters... Wouldn't it be nice if no one was ever required to choose? No one would ever give up something good for someone else’s future... We could think about enjoying our present, and be happy... (On another tangent, I simply love the happy page, Happiness is a feeling which has been eluding me a bit from the past 2 months, but those simple things do make me smile. I am not depressed, It’s just that I tend to be a drama queen and blow things out of proportion very often... There's a difference to being depressed and just surviving without being happy)  

I am actually not that big a fan of Grey's Anatomy but I always seem to find something there that comforts me... That proves to me that I’m just an ordinary person with ordinary problems (Which I seem to blow out of proportion like I said before and give too much importance to insignificant things and insignificant people, and which seems to happen to people in a drama series on national television)

At the end of the day, when we come down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance, and pretend not to care about each other is usually a load of bull, so we pick and choose whom we’d like to remain close to. And once we’ve chosen those people, we tend to stay close, no matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping... Like I've told you this a million times before, you are my person... One of them... and that’s the reason im fighting to keep this alive... And I don’t know whether you realize the importance of that word... A person is someone who would last in your life forever... and like I’ve told you, we would survive even more than the seven years which researchers believe is necessary to be lifelong friends.. I WILL make us survive... And I hope you stop being such an ass and help me in this endeavor to make us survive... Cuz theres a limit to how much I will try... Don’t you dare test that…

You don’t get to do this to me anymore... My life is in my control again and once you do realize that your being an ass (which I hope you do soon) please be kind to me. That’s all I expect from anyone...

Theres one more thing Callie says... You didn’t love her. You just didn’t want to be alone. Or maybe, maybe she was good for your ego. Or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn’t love her, because you don’t destroy the person that you love... And to add more to that, if it was love you would have fought harder to keep it alive... Like I'm trying so hard to keep our friendship alive (Don’t make me wonder whether you actually ever thought of me as a close friend or was that all shit too?)

So what do I chose at this crossroad? I chose to learn from you... be bitter towards you, towards life and take any new close friendship with a pinch of salt...

Disturbia All over again...

My dad has a few favourites. .. one of them particularly. . What he read some 10 years ago in the Gita which he keeps reiterating almost once a week and which I've grown tired of listening to ( I can sense it coming even before he says anything) Lift yourself by yourself.. because your mind is a friend as much as it is an enemy..

The context he used to use this in, although is completely different from what this is.. but its perfect for the shit I am so deep in now…Cuz I have a feeling this time I've become my own enemy... doing things crazier than ever... things that affect my life, my living, my dreams and my focus... and at the end of it all, where do I stand? 20 days of my life lost waiting, trying to figure things out, trying to make things right, trying to not loose people from my life who clearly don't wanna talk...

I never have been that person who understands crap like sentimental poems or even sentimental quotes.. but here I am, trying my best to not burst out crying for a poem a friend wrote.. or even something a dumb friend shared on my wall.. I hate you fate... for doing this to me.. for showing me that carrot on the stick and pulling it away...

I hate you destiny for bringing someone in my life who I've come to depend upon.. And then making it so complicated that we apparently have nothing to talk anymore or don’t want to anymore.(I wonder how one person can change everything in your life, sometimes by being there and other times by not..)

I hate you life for making me cranky and emotional and all that I never have been.. Its been seven years since I cried to sleep every night and no, life, this time I will not let you win…

I hate you fortune for doing this to me before my exam.. and making me feel guilty for saying anything and everything…

I've lived my life with the theory of never letting anyone control it… and never letting anyone decide on whats right for me or wrong for me… It is me who is responsible for this and everything. I've always felt that no one can make a person feel miserable unless someone lets them.. Yes I did and yes I take full blame of letting some one do it… (I don’t know whether you did it on purpose, but whatever it is, You know I have a very high level of tolerance, did you really have to breach that?)

My Wheels of fortune have spun out of control… When my world comes crashing down, and everything crumbles.. all I wanted was a long comforting hug.. and one tight slap.

There is one more thing that the verse says..‘Lift yourself by yourself; and having lifted yourself, do not allow yourself to be dragged down. For this, Self alone is your friend and indeed this Self alone is your enemy.’ There is no one else who can help you out as much as you can. So in this case I'm gonna help myself out thank you.. Its not that I don’t wanna talk to you,(I mean everything I say whether its on public domain or on our chats/ talk.. that’s how I am, even every nonsense word has meaning, and now I doubt were you ever who you were to me? did you really mean everything u said too?) but I think I went over with the trying to make you feel better.. and if you still don’t, then I think its not my fault anymore…

Its time you dragged yourself out and not dragged down… Your never alone unless you let yourself be.. And I'm not apologising for that anymore..

P.S I’m over the upset stage, and right now in the angry and frustrated stage, If you still want to make things right, please do it before the I don’t care anymore stage.. And its never about ego... Its a matter of self respect...

Switch it off Please...

Your brain is a weird thing.. it makes up stuff.. you spend around most of the time analysing, re analysing, thinking of what would be, thinking of what it can be and why it can't be..  While most of the times it shows you what you want to see, other times it just refuses to show you sense... Understanding what's real and what's just make believe is sometimes so hard that it becomes difficult to differentiate..

Understanding the relationship between the brain and your mind is again difficult.. what your brain thinks is what your mind hopes.. and what your mind hopes is what your brain wants you to think..

At times i wonder is it possible to separate them both.. the brain and your mind.. it would be so much better if you could take your mind and throw it out of the window (not really window, cuz this cabin has none) It would be so much easier to function when your life is devoid of all feeling.. that numbness is so much better than the complete upheaval your mind does periodically..

One moment you're so happy that you forget all your worries.. all thats bothering you.. and you are ready to plunge into anything... and then next morning it shows you reality with those gory wounds that haven't healed yet and most probably never will.. (I can so imagine flesh and muscle peeling off a bloodless face, do you agree that i'm a psychopath too?)  I hate mornings cuz after a few hours sleep, everything becomes clearer in the morning.. and that clearer is not really what your mind wants to see..

I dunno why i have the misfortune or fortune of being many peoples listener... (yes a listener... sounds so much better than counsellor)  on relationships mainly when I have hardly any experience to give advice.. It was bound to happen one day.. I've collected everyones problems and accumulated them in my head as if there was nothing better that could be done with the waste space in my head.. I love listening, analysing and giving opinions.. its not that you guys are irritating me, but i think now that dam has burst... suddenly lifes given me more to think about myself than you guys and seriously? I care a damn for most of your problems.. they sound so petty and childish.. I hope you take the hint and move on with your life and let me live in peace...

To that question hounding all your minds on why do i like/ love/ hate/ any other strong/ faint feeling towards any person? Why do people feel any of the above feelings for anyone? Wouldn't it just be better to live your own life? Rather than waste it thinking whether you want to spend time feeling any of the above for that person? And rather concentrate on what heights you can get to without bothering about other people and bothering other people as well..

This doesn't apply to all of you.. of course you guys (especially a few of you) can tell me all you want... but to those who I do seem disinterested.. please do take the hint and shut the hell up... I really care a damn of whos not got a job, who's not getting another, whose boyfriend/ girlfriend is not good enough for whom and whose boyfriend is not getting accepted by the family at the very beginning of an extremely dubious relationship... Neither do i want to know of your numerous crushes that you seem to carry on at the same point of time...

This time, Its my turn to ramble and I definitely need direction.. This time the mess I've created is too large and it affects more than just myself... I just hope that you understand that I am normally this way.. always in a mess and I am really sorry I dragged you into it.. And i do hope that my mind and brain and your mind and brain don't get more affected by this... Until then its just embarrassment and disappointment and crazy talk all over again... and im tired of thinkin before speaking any thing and always being fearful of what may happen if I say something. .. this I promise you is the end of that. ..

And to my 4 pointed star dream? I haven't forgotten you.. I'm sorry I sidelined you for a few weeks, and from this moment on, I am back to being your faithful servant.. Its you that I dream of and you that I want to live for... Nothing more and nothing else..

And to my brain.. Will you please shut the hell up? I have a lot of better things to do...

My "Person" People

Meredith Grey is Christina’s person.. And I so get it.. Your go to person.. The one who listens through whatever nonsense you want to say.. and helps you do all the nonsense you do.. and gives you a sound hearing after all the nonsense you did.. Like Christina says, When I murder someone, Meredith is the one I’ll call to help drag the body across the hall.. They help you out of everything, or at least try to.. or punch the shit out of you… And I'm glad that I have not one but many “persons” in my life.

They tell you everything… what you want to hear, what you don’t want to hear.. why your life sucks, why you should try and get out of the mess you’ve created upon yourself… They care what you think, they care what you don’t think,  They see your world through those rose tinted glasses you try to show them.. they then rip off those glasses from your face to help you see reality… Reality. Its so much more interesting than living happily ever after…

A survey says, when it comes to your close friends, you lose about half and replace them with new ones after about seven years. You (all my persons) I hope will remain my close friend even after those 7 years.. and to you who have survived 7 years with me, You know about the other survey/ Fact - If a friendship lasts longer than 7 years, psychologists say it will last a lifetime. So sadly you are stuck with me for this lifetime.. and though I’m the psycho narcissist in our friendship,  you would have got a few opportunities to vent your heart out to me too, (I believe, Cuz I don’t particularly remember) And yes I’m gonna hold on to the 7 year thing to blackmail you and make you attend every single movie, every single get together and every single important/ non important event in my life/ your life…

And to those who I’ve met recently and have grown close to, Our friendship doesn’t need a 7 year cycle to test the dumb survey.. the time we spent together, the time we talk, the time we spend bitching about life, seniors (the one particularly) and the time we spend working on the same client (or not) has been in fact (maybe) longer than the 7 years in the survey(in the one and half years I know you guys) So that proves you guys are stuck with me too J

To all my persons out there, it doesn't matter whether I speak to you everyday or not.. or every week or not.. just remember that the time I spend with you is fully devoted to you.. and anytime you need me to be your person, I'm just a thought away.. And I hope that you never throw in the towel on me.. I know I'm a lost cause, and I will always do whatever I want, although I ask you for opinions. I will seldom listen to you because its my inherent nature to ask people for their perceptions and do what is already pre decided by me. And I Love it that you guys have such varied, colourful and right opinions…And whenever you think I've forgotten you, I've not.. Your as much a part of me as I am a part of your thoughts... Life may try to keep us apart but we can always start off right where we stopped the last time.. how many ever months later they may be...

And how do you recognise how a person becomes your person? Its that moment when you see them in a crowded mall/ crowded train station and dont feel anything.. excited, bored nothing.. cuz its like they are always there at the back/ front of your mind and seeing them in person is just an extension of that..

P.S I hope I'm your person too.. or at least in the process of being yours..

P.P.S I know my blog was to shift.. but I really suck at trying to beautify the depressing wordpress layout.. so I'm not moving.

Whats your poison?

I think too much.. I agree.. especially when Its my future.. my dreams and my life.. I research too much.. and I know too much.. recently in an official lunch where We were encouraged to tell something about ourselves that no one in the team knows, I missed out the most important one.. i'm Red.. the red of shawshank.. i'm the one person who u come to when you need something.. ( like i've said before.. ppl think im google) especially education advice.. ( so consultings already started for me.. even if the bucks not rolling yet)

Anyone gets me started on gmat and business schools and they've had it.. thats the next one hour explaining stuff that I've collected over the many years of research and other people's advice.. theres nothing in life im more passionate about than my dream Bschool and It tends to get on to their nerves very often..

So then why is it that everytime I think of the future i'm confused about the timeline? For a person who's so clear on what is to be done in life why is taking the first step so difficult?

I have a theory for that too.. i'm a lazy bitch... (not to mention narcissistic... its almost 3 years i've been bragging on about myself, ud think its long enough) and that bitch is getting too comfortable in the daily routine.. I really seem to have answers to all questions don't I? Then why ask? Because i'm scared.. theres one empty unplanned patch between my 20 year later plans and now.. and what to fill up with in those 20 years is what's the most difficult question to answer..

There are so many questions. . Is this the right time? Should I actually give it up? Who else will write my letter of reference. .. is it really worth one year of my life and all that money?

Then again what's one year in the vast void of life? Especially with my family having histories of 90 year olds with chalega (not life threatening i.e ) health problems.. I probably won't fizz out too soon..

Theres always that little voice in your head which from my experience you should listen to.. and i haven't had the time to listen to it from long.. maybe half a year.. theres a lot you get to learn from yourself.. just if u have a care and listen..

A few weeks ago I had the  opportunity to go to a temple in the midst of the working week and attend the aarti.. (anything is possible if your colleagues are game.. this one includes dragging the reporting manager along). On contrary to most people's belief. . I'm not an atheist. . A theist maybe.. and definitely spiritual.. (also spirituous if I may add) they say its luck if you get to attend this maha aarti.. (mainly cuz they close doors for it stopping the streaming thousands. . Ok, more like hundreds in the middle of the week.. and being there at the right time to be let in and not shoved out is indeed luck)

The tremendous faith when people chant god's name in the sanctum is amazing.. All strangers, of probably different beliefs, different backgrounds.. brought together by fate for that 45 min/ one hour.. You dont know whether they pray for something, for someone, for nothing or like me, are there just because someone suggested, the veneration for something which is just stone to someone and so much more to someone else.. (I think power in a Stone depends all on belief, If people believe anything can and will happen)

More so that in the sound of chanting, and prayer, and hope.. you suddenly realise what that little voice in your head wants you to listen.. and 45 minutes of that is long enough. . To make you believe in yourself again.. your heart's deepest desires always help you find a way out of whatever question that needs answering.. kinda like flipping a coin to understand what you want as the outcome...

So is that little voice a divine direction? Like a go ahead on to what you think is the right path? The right time? Thats too much god for me.. but isn't what they chant in the same direction too? More than once in different prayers they say the same thing.. lay down everything at gods feet.. and that god is within you.. if not yourself (aham brahmasmi..I remember what id learnt in 7th.. even though I used to mix up marathi and sanskrit in the exam).. whatever it is.. its time for me to learn from my inner voice... and what the heck.. if my luck could get me in at the right time for the maha aarti which is like a one in 10 million chance (( population of mumbai + outside visitors to the very popular temple)× very low probability of me leaving office in time to reach anywhere at 645/ 7 pm) yes thats one in 10 million in itself) what's the one in 70 chance of getting into my dream school?

P.s thats my poison for you.. my passion and my faith.. (plus a few others you guys already know).

Of Victory and Defeat

So I travelled 4000 Kms (approx) in the last two weeks.. Via air, rail, car, auto, (no two wheelers, I'm two wheeler phobic, especially back seat.. sitting precariously holding on to the seat/ crushing/ killing the person riding, while sitting on one wheel and relying completely on the said person is not my cup of tea, coffee or any other even alcoholic drink. The mere thought of keeping your foot on the ground to be only run over by a passing two wheeler is enough to make me sit pillion like a mannequin. . , the rider will never have any problems of the person sitting pillion moving too much, petrified as i am)

And why the distance? I went on leave.. two weeks of travel, touching 4 states (mostly rail), around 50 relatives and 10 temples (I'm not an atheist, I'm just agnostic leaning towards the possibility of The One supernatural being sitting up there amused at what goes on down here, and if he/she is pulling the strings, what the hell do you think you are doing?). And as I wanted to, other than the visits and the travel, All I listening to thr sameleep, wake up, eat, laze, talk dumb things and sleep again. And think.. Lots of that, like someone said, I write more than an average person thinks in a year, extrapolated to XXX.(the below pictures so true btw)

So among all the things i thought about, there were some conclusions:

Starting with the most important one, I constantly need change, new challenges, new work, and a lot of nothingness between all the change. These two weeks were great for nothingness and yes as usual I have the greener on the other side syndrome of how it would be if i wasn't working 14 hours a day and travelling 3 hours a day.. How i want to earn money without working, How i want to work for work and not for money.. How I don't want to wake up in the morning dreading dealing with reporting seniors, (Yes the one particularly), How I don't want to wake up with no purpose for that day... yeah, confused soul I am.

So what makes a day interesting? Small victories (Big ones toh definitely) and big defeats... Everyday is a struggle, to one up somebody, to show somebody they are wrong .. some days you get out on top (feeling like you conquered the moon). Like how you manage to push and fit in between those not so exciting curves of other women in the first class compartment. Like how you teach someone who has a huge vocabulary a new word. Like when u try your best not to loose your cool when someone just refuses to see sense (Cuz putting sense into them is like hitting your head against the wall). Like the moment that person sees sense himself after four times of you trying to get him to see sense. Like when you manage to get a rickshaw from the unofficial haphazard line outside station before the person who has been apparently waiting from a long time.. 

And those big defeats? The time when u have a big fight with the rickshaw wala, make him stop in the middle of the way, and walk home cursing that his house burns down that night (I see part victory in that too, yes). That moment when you realise that at the end of the day the person you are trying to make see sense is not worth it and that the whole damn day went waste it in. The fact that you are working your ass off just because you have that inbuilt workaholic in you... The fact that you cannot say no to anything.. The fact that some days you fume, fire burning in your eyes, ready to take on whatever comes your way and that day nothing comes at you... The fact that some days somebody fumes at you And you cant do any Damn thing as you are completely Iin agreement with whats happening.. those days sting no less than a tight slap across your face and you cant do anything about it other than curse quietly under your breath... again is that defeat? The fact that you accept your mistake and are not ready to loose your cool even after listening to the same thing over and over is pretty much a victory itself...

So at the end of today? (As usual if someone asks me what happened today, there's my standard answer.. nothing) you win some and you lose some.. the days always end up with everyone winning.. if not an argument then definitely as a learning experience of how to not let someone one up you in that discussion. next time.. 

everyday at the time I reach office, theres a budgeted time of exit.. which is defeated miserably at the end... thats one victory I guess will never be mine..

Ps.Anyone reading this who tthinks im on the verge of a breakdown? Dont.. im perfectly (maybe) fine.. writing is one way I keep In touch with reality and my creativity Blossoms best when im on this end of the bipolar ;)

New Avenues, New Addresses

So I'm moving.. 2 and half years and 27 posts later, I'm moving to wordpress..

Check it out..


http://soulsearchinginwonderland.wordpress.com/

Wish the developer got ready with my apartment soon too.. :(

#alreadymissingheights

Mine..

So a whirlwind of a month later I am done with my first extremely biig client. And extremely is not an exaggeration, it makes my past biggest client seem paltry in comparison. And it feels awesome... Working 15 hours a day is hectic, and so is the travel back to work on the next day (Actually the same one... Just 7 hours later) But it all depends on the people who u work with, or the people who you work for... It makes such a difference when questioned have you done this as compared to you have not done this...  

Everyone in this world is not the same. It’s only some people who you like and for most others you don’t, its kaam chalaofy.. There was this poster I saw some time ago which said “There are 7 billion people on this earth and you are gonna let one of them ruin your day?” I said that to many others who asked me how I manage, but the thing was that I didn’t find it oppressing all the time... just some time... And now its suddenly dawned that it’s a whole year later... and it’s not just a day in my seemingly never ending life but a complete year... and that pretty much is a large period of time.. (Yes, I destroyed a whole year in my life letting people take advantage of me, no more now... If someone spoils my day I make sure I spoil their day too... I have a very high tolerance level.. But mind you don’t dare cross that..)

So what makes this world tolerable? Still people… Ive often wondered how some friends feel closer than family and some family members as distant as the North Pole. How is it that people change from ‘my colleague’ to ‘my friend’? And the stress here is on the word mine… Just knowing people doesn’t mean you know them.. When you know them good enough to call them mine, that’s when you know.. They are those people who you may part with during the course of life but continue to stay close, even if you don’t talk to them daily like you used to...

Like the fact that I will always have an aunt who is actually my neighbor from the previous residence who is MY aunt... and by mine I mean the only one who is actually genuinely happy to see me and genuinely loves me more than those aunts who I see once in a year/ 2 years when I get a holiday off work..

Like the fact that the other day when an article was supposed to be loaned to the team in which I was loaned to, and I came to know who it was, there was this big smile on my tired face (Cuz of no sleep over like 15 days) just because it was someone I actually love working with.. (Im hoping the feeling is mutual) (& if I do make you work a lot, forgive me, it’s just that I don’t exactly like work)... So someone asked me is that your article? & I was like Yes, She is my article... and it feels good... (No, it’s not the perverted type, and yes it sounds weird but, It’s a privilege you know to be someone who I call mine) (And no I mean it in a good way)

Like the way I changed the message on my home screen to Mine... It feels just right... and though sometimes I feel like Ive just purchased an expensive TV remote its really a nice thing to have for a person who keeps loosing things and hoping that everything has a ringer attached so that you can call and find out whether its under that pile of the days newspapers or lost in the kitchen where invariably things always end up..

Some people just get you and some don’t... And Ive had the opportunity of being around a lot of people who do... and thank you so much everyone who gets me... I tend to be a scatterbrain sometimes (Yes all the times) and thank you for completing my unfinished sentences when I zone out... and thank you for not beating the shit out of me when I  do crack those jokes that u can’t understand and when I explain them to you.. And thank you so much for just being there... Being Mine

Do I knoe No?

The cursor blinks!! On a blank page when you’re staring down at the screen, in the middle of the night (actually wee hours of the morning), in between a stock/ cash verification on the last day of the dumb fucked up financial year.. Yes your brain works, albeit sluggish and you need to use autocorrect more often.. So where was I? Yeah, the cursor blinks..  I stared at the screen for a whole 5 minutes.. That’s rare.. For a person who cannot stop thinking, who cannot stop finding reasons for most of the things that don’t matter..

You thought I’d stop talking about myself Cuz it’s the middle of the night and Im working?? Tough Luck.. Im still the same egotistical person who is trying to find the answer.. Like hitchhikers guide to the galaxy (Can you believe I haven’t read it yet? Keep forgetting to get it at the bookstore)  the answer may be 42 but is it the right answer to my question? What was my question again? Yeah.. Para que lavida… Its moments like these, in the middle of the night (it’s almost dawn now) that I realize, It’s all me.. The reason my life is like this is because a friend rightly pointed out.. I cannot say no (Exact words? She: You  knoe to say No? Me: No :P)

I cannot say no to anything anyone asks me.. Am I cursed? Like in Ella enchanted where she is given the bane of obedience, Am I born with the bane of not saying no? And mind you.. Not saying No doesn’t mean I always say yes.. They are not mutually exclusive.. There’s this grey area that exists too.. And although I have tried to move most of my yes’s to the grey area, it still doesn’t mean no. And yes.. most would be an exaggeration.. 

Like that time at our neighbor’s farmhouse.. Where there was this cute kitten.. After a while of cooing when the kitten settled around us, someone suggested I pick it up.. And I did, and not being used to picking up random animals, I dropped it on someone’s drink.. (Poor someone, the kitten only lost one of its nine lives, but that somebody lost the last peg poured out from the bottle)

Like the other time when someone dared me to kiss a tree.. Yes I did kiss a tree.. In the middle of a busy street and yes people stared at me as if I had run away from the mental asylum a few kms away..

Like this time when someone asked me to stay the night for stock take.. I didn’t say no.. And here I am writing this out between two cash verifications and listening to the early birds chirping.. And here you are having to read this..  

While Im trying to remember how Ella overcame her boon, all I remember is that it had a happy ending… And the happy ending in this case? Will there be one? I hope it’s soon as I can’t bear to bear it anymore..  Maybe the happy ending in this case will be 9 hours of uninterupted sleep..

Another dumb question.. why does a cursor blink? It could just stay there stationary, not blinking and it would still serve its purpose, wont it? If you really wanted to differentiate it from a normal stationary letter, you could have just created a new alphabet.. rather than just use a I/ Line/ 1 in some fonts..

But then again, I guess I’m rambling now.. Time for another cash verification..

PS: You think I'm not busy cuz of my posts? thats cuz I'm multitasking... ie giving up sleep and food... And yes its absolutely worth it.. 

As Random as Random can be

So the other day (Most of my posts begin this way don’t they… I need a new opening line) Anywho.. The other day someone shared something really apt on my wall and I couldn’t help but write about it.. My mind doesn’t Wander, It leaves completely.. (I know right.. that exactly me!!!) Apparently my great grandfather used to do that.. Go into deep meditation and visit different places, yeah right.. I.e his soul used to leave his body and go around visiting places and people. Most probably he used to sleep and dream of exotic lands.. In my case, Im sleep deprived anyway.. I wouldn’t know if my mind has left me a long time ago and decided never to come back..

My posts are always random.. How one thing leads to another  even within the post.. that trail is difficult to understand unless U’ve interacted with me.. Yes,  my brain works weird.. It doesn’t ask the most obvious question.. Like someone who falls down and fractures their foot, I’d probably ask “which stud were u looking at?” and not whether “ is it now in plaster?” And that moment  I do tell others the fact that someone had a fracture and that someone asks me is it now in plaster… #facepalm..

So this post is about all those completely random stuff that keeps popping up in my brain (Yeah.. I get it.. my mind may have left me for good, but my brain still exists.. If any two paragraphs are linked or you catch a flow of thought, that’s purely coincidental)

The books I purchased and the euphoria of doing nothing but reading all day is done and dusted.. Im back to the question of What is the meaning of Life, (Para Que Lavida If I may, and when I did put this up as my status on whatsapp my brilliant friends reply La vida es para mostrar al mundo lo que podemos hacer!!!! )  Is life just work, travelling and sleep deprivation? And Im back to the confused stage of my life.. where its life that’s leading me on.. and I have no control over its direction or the speed of time. While time goes slow on the weekdays, It goes super-fast on weekends. And It’s not really comforting that every day, every week you are getting older, and not any wiser.. Theres no much difference between the kind of life I had a year ago and now, so in essence I have wasted one whole year of my life..  ( If you check out my posts and think I am depressed.. Don’t worry.. I won’t jump out of my 17^th story window yet (Cuz that house is still under construction from the past 4 years.. Or the 31^st Floor of my office building (Cuz I guess in all Ive spent like 2 days adding up all the half an hour’s Ive been there in the past year)) And no, I am not gonna jump off anywhere.. the only fall Im gonna be having for a long time is on to the bed..

Last weekend when I was travelling by the ever slowing AC Bus.. (After eons that is, I now spend those extra  45 minutes in traffic, in the warmth of my bed) when a young couple climbed into the seat in front of me .. I love overhearing people talk, especially since I have a general understanding of most Indian Languages, listening to them talk about other people, fighting among themselves.. that’s what makes a journey worthwhile,  Surprisingly, they were quiet.. Maybe they already had a fight and were at the no talking stage.. It was much later that I noticed they were communicating in sign language… and Sadist that I am, I plugged in earphones and put on my now favorite song on really high volume.. The fact that I could hear and they could not and at that moment, all I could think of was noise when all they could hear was silence.. how upsetting right.. You would never have heard the birds chirp or trees rustle, or the soft sound of the keyboard when you are typing away.. Or the sound of toffee wrapper crinkle when crushed, or the peculiar beep when u plug in Ur iPhone/ iPod to charge… Apparently knowing things you have that others don’t is supposed to make you feel better.. And no this one didn’t.. Im still a narcissist and still a sadist.

So I also read bridge across forever... I simply can’t understand why Bach is so popular.. (Or isn’t he?) His Jonathan Livingstone seagull was not a children’s book as I realized when I was 10, and neither are his other books understandable when you are an adult (Am I yet? My brains still 5 years old.. And Im sure there are many that can vouch for that..) I can’t believe how self-centered he can be.. And I can’t comprehend how anyone can lead a life as he does.. Carefree and conceited and acting like he’s the only one everyone should care about.. I believe in Déjà vu.. But can it really be that dreams tell us about our future?  Lately Ive succumbed to being a normal being.. Ive started dreaming of stuff that Ive never even thought I could dream about.. Things that are not related to career, studies or even the other 2 points in my four pointed star dream.. And it scares me.. How can I spend sleepless nights thinking about such things when my brain has never been programmed this way? Or even used to thinking this way.. Am I turning mortal? (><) No I never had the misconception that I was immortal, but in my world, there were so many better things Ive dreamt about.. And who am I to blame Bach? All my posts are self-centered too.. (On a completely different tangent, do you think dreams tell us our future/past or are they just your minds deepest desires? And I don’t agree that dreams are limited to the universe as you know it, how else can you dream of completely new faces and completely new places?)

And Last week I also turned a year older.. How is it that you can turn a year older all in one day? Im still the same naïve ( yeah, rofl are you?), immature, lazy person who I was one day before the ominous date. And that few hours haven’t made any difference to my life, It’s still the same, weekdays jam-packed with lots of work and weekends repenting the fact that I’m still working and that there isn’t really any weekend in my life. And so this year I decided to not celebrate. Ive had enough of celebrations all these years, and especially last year when the celebrations didn’t seem to end for a really long time.. (Over a span of almost 2 months) And It’s not really a happy thought, that those few hours are making me a whole year older.. And the fact that I want weeks to get over sooner so that it’s a weekend(Actually it doesn’t make a difference, I know but the thought of a weekend is extremely comforting)  is actually working against the wish that I don’t grow older .. Can you believe it? Its April already and I haven’t started learning yet! Time to pull up my socks!

I write more when Im typing away on my laptop especially when Im trying to act as if Im doing work in office on public holidays or Sundays.. The word limit on this post has exceeded my usual word limit.. Oh yes.. I can’t stop talking about word limits.. 250 words is so not enough to talk about your role at your employer when it’s both true as well as exaggerated.. I just don’t seem to  know when to stop or even how to.. Should I always leave things with a conclusion? Should I just leave stuff hanging like some awful  books do.. When do good posts come to an end? When do I get a hang of completing one trail of thought and going to another? I guess I should leave this at that..

of this and that..

The other day, while flipping channels, cnbc was asking achievement award winners what achievement meant to them.. Some said fame, some said other stuff that was not worth another thought.. and I remember thinkin how petty their achievements are if they think fame is achievement...

And not that anyone is gonna ask me, it got me thinkin.. What does it mean to me? And then the most rhetorical of all questions.. Have I infact achieved anything at all?

Again achievement is relative (if u remember I'd written about something else that was also relative) One has always more than some one else and less than some other else.. Some one else did better than me, someone else is in a job that doesn't seem redundant after 6 months, someone in a job that takes them to different countries, someone else reaches home earlier than me.. Someone else doesn't travel much to work and that some one else is happy at work..(right now these things matter a lot more than money and fame to me)

I guess that is one of the most important factors.. Achievement is a job where one is happy.. Achievement is being able to give time to your family, time to yourself.. Leaving office when its still daylight out and reaching home in time for dinner when its dinner time and not time for insomniacs to sleep...

So to me essentially, achievement is satisfaction and for a person who is never satisfied, With life, with work, with qualifications.. It is extremely tough to justify achievement..

This weekend, (it was more like a culmination of many weeks that didn't end) was filled with self realization, thinking and reading (i read vayuputras!! I need to stop reading this way though.. Once I was done I was actually dizzy from the transition to the current age.. But there's nothin better than a book to make you forget all frustrations of a whole 6 months, it takes just a day of nothing but fiction to get me back to being happy.. No I didn't take the whole day for vayuputras, I also read krishna key.. Weak story in the beginning, he tries to be india's answer to dan brown, but manages to grip you by the end..)

what happened this weekend? I travelled.. without any deadline to reach clients place on time (ie before the reporting manager) and I travelled to one of my favorite places of all.. I love mumbai, and amongst all in those almost 50 km radius, I love the stretch from cst to marine drive.. its a long wonderful walk with all familiar haunts and familiar faces.. The uncle at the roadside stall near Icici bank at fort, who knows who the author of salamandra glass and how great the book was.. Who gives me additional discount just for a talk on which is the current best thriller..

Like the accessory shop outside mcdonalds.. I doubt his inventory has changed from the past 5 years.. I see the same bead bracelets and the same stick on tattoos hung there.. And those comfort me.. that even in this fast paced world there are a few things that havent changed..

Life used to be about mundane things like looking back to see the back end of the train at the curve at cst. When did all of it change? Why did all of it change?

As I walked down the cobbled road between cst and fountain, I wondered, do I really need anything more in life? Reliving those moments, which have hidden itself in the dark corners of ur huge memory bank, makes you wonder when life would be that simple again..

That annual trip to the book stalls, that annual birthday party at the gujarati thali restaurant that is almost as old as you(maybe older) that's all it took for a vacation to be eventful.. Life used to be so simple back then.. and 24 hours a day used to be enough for a lot more things than today.. Has time started moving faster? There was so much more we could achieve in a day...

the number of hours in a day remains 24.. it has not changed.. Similarly, the number of minutes remains 1440 and seconds remains 86400..

So that's achievement for you.. Using those hours in a day such that nothing suffers.. Neither work, nor your perspective on personal life.. And yes I do say and mean perspective.. Because everyone who is in the place where I am, knows that in the next few months there is not gonna be any personal life.. Nor any time to discuss perspective, So lets leave it at that..

Not another New Year Roundup!!

So the world did not end.. No, you guys don't have to put up with another round up.. This year nothing happened.. Everything was pretty much the same as the end of  last year.. Work, sleep, work, lose sleep and work.. Dismal year I agree.. But I met a whole new hoard of friends.. had a crazy time traveling and (did I mention?) crazy time working.. Extremely dismal...

That's nothing.. disappointment peaked in the first few days of the year.. its amazing how your mind plays games on you.. holds out candy on a string high above you... And then shows someone else blatantly eating that candy... Something you don't even know, someone you've never even met.. And dreams, and then the ball drops, shatters all the dreams just when you start dreaming..

And to top it all, the weather,.. Its too cold, is too sleepy, its too cosy to do anything other than lie in bed.. And too many fights.. Everyone is irritable, everyone's gloomy.. Everyone just wants to get back home.. To their beds and their sleep.. (maybe just me, but everyone sure is irritable) its been a year of crazy weather..

This year is the first time when a lot of people I know are getting married.. What is it with people? I agree its a special moment in your life but do you actually need a thousand people to witness it? And it sure feels like its those thousand who actually enjoy the wedding more than the miserable bride and groom.. Sweating it out under the lights, posing for mundane stills..
Not exactly a happy moment for those ppl who keep getting asked your next aren't you? #please go die and let me live in peace..

its been a year of adjustment, learning how to fit into, between the curves of other women in a first class compartment of the mumbai local... Actually other peoples heads and my neck.. not a very enticing curve..

Its been a year of deja vu.. Everything that happened professionally in the previous year is happening again, more responsibility, more freedom, more travel (who knew mumbai could offer so much travel).. High time to move on..

Its been a year of learning, one sunday mornin after another, destroyed? for just a few more letters after my name.. My last endeavour left hanging with no sight of the finish line.. This year I will not spend another dime on learning until I finish the last.. (yeah right, when is the last date for registration again?)

I'm getting comfortable again.. to discomfort, to the current state of affairs, to the daily routine of  another sign that says its time to move on..   (yes I'm soo bored! KMN..)

Of course it will be when you have a splitting headache when there's a inconsolable kid in your train compartment.. or even worse a frustrated mother complaining about her pre teens behavior to complete strangers, amidst people coming to sell chickoos and hair accessories.. A year of travelling by local and long distance trains..

Its always friends, friends of friends or distant enemies who lead that life you desperately want to... The grass is always greener on the other side and by when you get there, it turns out that there's been a draught in the meantime, and turned the other side into a desert...

I am not better at anything other than making lists... this turned up as a damn roundup eventually.. Yeah sending pending lists to clients just sums up the whole year completely.. #Realism strikes.. *my life sucks big time*